Christmas Eve....

We kept our traditional Christmas Eve gathering. It was a lot different this year not only because of my brother but because my cousin did not come into town  for the first time. She moved three hours away 3 years ago. Up until this year , she came home. Personally, this was the wrong year for that with already dealing with a family death. Too much change at one time. Because of her not coming into town and her mother refusing to go to her, we were stuck with her mother, the crazy lady. The night did not go too bad , we made some changes to ease things. The crazy lady is just demanding and repeats her demanding things. She was bossing people around as to where to sit in my sisters house. We just let it go.

As for my brother, I know he is gone but it felt like he was in IL with his wife. I know in reality , he was not. It did hit me during prayer... he normally says prayer and he wasn't there anymore to pray. I cried and cried. We retired his stocking this year. My Mom started huge stockings for us years ago and that was the highlight of our Christmases. We did them tonight for a change. It felt weird him not going through his and trading things with each other. He would want us to continue everything as we did just with heavy and empty hearts.

I looked at my sister tonight and I cant explain the broken link but the link is broken. The three of us came from the same gene pool, the same household, the same upbringing, the same everything but mine was just 8 years behind them. It is a link that we have had since each one of us was born. Other than our parents , they are the only ones that have known me all my life. They are my safety net and the net has a big hole. She and I still have that link but the third part is broken here on earth. His link was different for both of us. He as the rock and the glue. One day it will be linked again but in the mean time I miss the triangular link and hope and pray that it will be linked again one day with Jesus. He is still the link but in an earthly since it is broken but not in a spiritual since.

Someone gave me a special ornament yesterday.... Brother and sister....Separated for now but linked forever in love. ....That says it all.

Sorry to be a downer or those having a joyful Christmas. I do know the true meaning of Christmas and am more than thankful for Jesus and eternal life. It is just hard celebrating when a piece of you is missing. The link is temporarily broken and for that I am sad.

I know some of this makes no sense and is babble. I am sorry,,,I just needed an outlet.  I guess it also opens your eyes to others who have lost and how they feel.

Quickie...

Holidays are tough and I miss him more each day. I was given a memorial ornament from his wife. I just look at it in disbelief. It seems so unreal.

I have lots I could post about with stress and what I have been going through with legalities of a lot of things but at this time , I can not.

Crazy lady has gone over the loop. I dont see her much but did the other day. One day I will post on the funnies and the not so funnies. One of the not so funnies is she forgets my brother is with Jesus and keeps asking when he is going to show up for the family gatherings. That hurts but we dont tell her he is gone because that will cause more drama.

One thing... Marcia from ALL ABOUT MARCIA....I received your sympathy card today that you sent through the PSUA ( Peninsula Softball Umpires Association) . My brother loved to umpire girls ast pitch sotball. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. When I clean this living room , Iwill hopeully find your envelope and write a personal correspondence.

Thats all for now.

Boobies, Boobies, Boobies

Despite my denial.... I have finally reached the age that is recommended to get my boobies smashed for a mammogram.

It is less humiliating then the gynecologist but I really dont like another woman touching them and plopping them on plexiglass and smooshing them. There has to be a better way. I kept waiting for all the fat to come popping out.

What I came to realize is I do have some big boobies when you see them all smooshed on the machine. I just never realized I was that endowed.

OK... taking the humor away from smooshing my boobies today. I am sore. Also , if I hear from them tomorrow or Friday then there is some concern. I am having faith that I wont hear from them. My faith is trying to overcome the devil telling me other things. Believe me in the wake of losing my brother that devil is really trying but I am clinging to my God.

Now for the soap box...ladies call and get them boobies smashed. If I did it... anyone can do it.

Thankful

A lot of you posted on thankulness for November and I struggled with thankulness for anything after losing my brother.

Here are some things over the last few days I am thankful for....

• Salvation
• My salvation
• My brother's salvation
• Jesus' returning soon to reunite me with my brother
• Heaven

The following has dawned on me because of a young man that has been sent our direction through God and has been a tremendous help at the store despite  me getting irritated with him knowing everything. I dont know his story, he is very mysterious but he has been used by God to help and minister to us. I am piecing together that he is technically homeless but stays at a friends  house some at night. He never asks for anything but will take what we give which has been a nice study bible he was eyeing , food and maybe a ride somewhere. The only things he has ever asked for have been a soda and a star wars collectibles book we found in a box.  He has volunteered hours and hours and lifted many boxes. We found my brothers bike and gave it to him and he was ecstatic, This is what I am thankful for that I have learned from him:

• warm place to sleep
• not ever knowing what true hunger is
• my car
• my family
• clean clothes
• soap
• warm showers
• what little money I have

I am still down but trying to be thankful or what I have. My brother would want us to help him in ways that we can. He seems like a man that is down on his luck and very knowledgeable about the Bible and theology. PLease uplift him in prayer as we dont know his story but he seems to be a really nice guy just down on his luck right now.

Thoughts

I am still alive and still dealing and grieving. Here are some thoughts some good some bad but here goes

• I still look for him to be behind the desk at the store and he is never there.
• Ihad a lot things to tell my brother about church and friends but he is no longer here.
• Everyday I work at the business which is everyday but Sunday, I realize I am making the right decision about closing. Everyday.
• I end up in tears a lot over all this... I didn't ask for it but have to see that it is done how he would want it done. I don't have the option of walking away and just locking the door.
• I go to the back of our store in the warehouse and think... how did he collect so many books, fixtures and junk over three years.
• I go to the back and think... how am I going to do this? Then I cry with from being overwhelmed.
• I try to hold my tongue on things to keep peace with individuals but I have to say my tongue is ready to let loose.
• I wish I could just say... this is too hard and walk away but I cant but some can and needless to say that is the one that I am holding my tongue on.
• I rented a storage unit and have been moving boxes of books with volunteers. Some days I am just overwhelmed but I go because I shouldn't expect the volunteers to do more than me.
• As a woman, I feel bad because I am working just as hard as the two men helping but sometimes I want to hear... You shouldn't lift that or I will do that for you. It doesn't happen but I would like to hear it. It makes me feel like I am not a woman or because of my size they think I am not woman like. It hurts me.
• It hurts me at how mean customers can be even in your grief. Stealing 5 bibles during my brother's hospital stay and funeral. Another one telling me it is ridiculous that she ordered a book on Tuesday afternoon and it wasn't there Friday. I am not a miracle worker. Another telling me she bought something a few months ago ( January) and knows she paid full price for it and has just discovered it is used ( we sell used books too). ummmhh... she has no receipt but I should take her word for it. Ummh! ok. She wants the price difference back. Ummh ok,
• Then I have the days when I am very sarcastic. Like the bill collector who calls and wants to speak to my brother. I tell them to call Heaven. They freeze then say thank you and  hangup. Then a few days later they call back and ask for him again...same number on caller id. I guess they didn't have a good connection with Heaven,
• The a search engine calls wanting to speak to the owner and at the time I didn't know if I legally was owner because of lack of stockholders. I tell the guy I am as close as he gets so we play games for a few minutes then he says well since I am not the decision maker he wont talk to me and hung up... He was the fool. I was in the mood to play games with sarcasm... I am the legal owner.
• The printer broke today and I sat in tears thinking ... I didn't ask for all this , he wasn't supposed to die.
• Black Friday , the computer I use more often crashed. I sat there crying thinking... I didn't ask for this he wasn't supposed to die.
• Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I moved a table, it broke and crashed with everything on it. It hit a gift display which in turn knocked over a nice clock which cracked. I sat there crying as the UPS driver arrived saying,,,, I didn't ask for all this, he wasn't supposed to die.The UPS driver agreed and helped me pick it all up.
• Today it was one problem after another all day. Solvable but overwhelming then volunteers saying what do I do with this and this and this . I finally looked at them and said... I DONT KNOW AND I DONT CARE RIGHT NOW. I didnt mean to be ugly I was just overwhelmed.
• I have my first mammogram scheduled ...just routine but the devil is playing games with my head. He is putting doubts and thoughts like,,, It is your time now. This is going to be bad and your family is going to lose you too. I tell him to get out with those thoughts but the image of my parents burying another child is just heartbreaking. My nephew losing me,,,,its just overwhelming . I am trying to be positive

Welcome to my head,,,,I hope I havnt scared you and I didnt even mention any of the legal issues I have had either.

I will leave you with this....It is a really sad day when I work as substitute in the day time and it is what I consider to be stress free.

Me

How am I?

Well, I am depressed and still in disbelief. I look at his picture and find it unbelievable that he is gone. Yes, I know he has not been at the store and I know why. I am just still stunned that my big brother is no longer living on this earth. On my sister's birthday, it felt like he was just out umpiring but on my way home I kept thinking that I will never ever see him again during my earthly life. That could be a real long time.

I wonder about heaven. I wonder if he can see how hurt and depressed we are. I wonder if he is happy, I know he is but my mind wanders with how can he be happy when his closest loved ones are still here on earth.

I want to call him right now and tell him what I told my sister. I want to tell him to meet me in the ER tonight because my Dad will be there with heart problems should Obama win again. He would chuckle. We talked about the election not too long ago and how Dad would react if Obama is president again. It is a big family joke. I wonder if the supposedly family friend will be right when she looked at me and said while I was beside my Dad and brother's casket.... I hope you are prepared to go through this again with your Dad soon especially if Obama wins. SHe was not kidding but I wonder if she is right. My Dad lost his only son and is an inward emotional person with heart issues.

I want to ask him... Why did you leave me in such a mess with the business?I am not mad at him I just want to shake him and ask why oh why.

I go to the gravesite and just stand and cry because it does not seem right to see his temporary marker with his name on it. It should not be.

I have been working everyday from 7-6 or 750- 6 Monday through Friday between substituting during the day then going in to run the store in the latter part of the day. Then I have been working all day on Saturdays. I will have to continue this through December as we close the business down. I can't close the business down because I need money to pay the state tax bill he has left me with that I am personally responsible for. I get paid for subbing. I get nothing from the business. I am putting it all towards saving my butt from the tax department.

There is tons of confusion on his life insurance policy. It was not personal but corporate with the beneficiary being the old corporation that is defunct. I have the insurance company telling me I need to claim it. I have a lawyer telling me I dont. So much pressure that my head just spins.

Since the day of the funeral, October 10, my only days off have been Sundays and the one Monday that Hurricane Sandy was supposed to hit. Sundays I stay on the go with church and errands. That Monday I had my nephew all day. So really I have had not time to sit, think and grieve.

I have caught a cold or am suffering from fall allergies. It is now in my chest and am fighting bronchitis too.

I go to work all day til 6. I get off and go see my nephew for a few who has really taken this hard. I eat dinner. I then cook dinner for the next night. Fix my lunch and am more than ready for bed at 9 PM. That is unusually early for me. I am exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally at that time. I am usually in bed at 11 PM.

I am not sleeping much because I am coughing so much at night.

I say all this to ask for you to  continue to pray strength, peace and rest.

Nightmare

When will this nightmare end and I wake up and find out this month has all been one terrible dream?

I just want my brother. I miss him. I love him. I dont understand.

I know the spiritual sense of things but right now I dont want to hear it. I just want to cry and vent and scream.

I saw my brother all the time. I want to see him now. WHy did he have to die? Why could he not have received a warning? Why did he have to die? He was trying to change his weight.

I just had lunch with him that SUnday. One of our last conversations was ab out Chipper Jones retiring and his kids nor grandkids would never  need money. He never got to see Chipper's last at bat just 5 days after this conversation. We had been to Braves games together and watched Chipper play. I dont want the memories , I want the nows.

He didnt want to die. He never would have wanted this pain for my parents nor us. Speaking of the pain... What has my family done that has been so bad to have to experience such pain? I just dont undersand... he was only 49.

Today was a hard day at church though he had not been worshipping at our church for 2 years. The memories hit me like a ton of bricks of the the years of him being there... he was there for 47 of his life and 37 of mine. Everywhere I looked there is a memory. Someone who had not seen me walked up and just said... I am sorry about your brother. That sent me into a one hour crying fiasco. I left the church only to walk outside to see the funeral home that shares our parking lot was bringing a body in. That was the funeral home we used. Oh, that didn't help. It made me think of his cold and lifeless body taking the same journey 2.5 weeks ago. It is just not right. I know he is with Jesus but I want him here. I want Christmas and Thanksgivings with him.

Speaking of Christmas. Last year was his last and he was with us, Praise the Lord. He and his wife did not fly to her home until after Christmas last year. We were with him his last Christmas but I was sick and spent most of the day on Vicadin laying down but he was here. Oh How I long for him to be here again. I  know he is happy with Jesus but I am selfish and want him here.

The coming weeks are going to be bad with the business. Some days I put my poker face on and go on and sometimes it is written all over my face....GRIEF!!!

Thanks for letting me vent and not being judgmental.

Come to Jesus

My requested song today in which his childhood friend sang.....


Chris Rice - Untitled Hymn (Come To Jesus) Lyrics




Weak and wounded sinner

Lost and left to die

O, raise your head, for love is passing by

Come to Jesus

Come to Jesus

Come to Jesus and live!



Now your burden's lifted

And carried far away

And precious blood has washed away the stain, so

Sing to Jesus

Sing to Jesus

Sing to Jesus and live!



And like a newborn baby

Don't be afraid to crawl

And remember when you walk

Sometimes we fall...so

Fall on Jesus

Fall on Jesus

Fall on Jesus and live!



Sometimes the way is lonely

And steep and filled with pain

So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then

Cry to Jesus

Cry to Jesus

Cry to Jesus and live!



O, and when the love spills over

And music fills the night

And when you can't contain your joy inside, then

Dance for Jesus

Dance for Jesus

Dance for Jesus and live!



And with your final heartbeat

Kiss the world goodbye

Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and

Fly to Jesus

Fly to Jesus

Fly to Jesus and live!

Robert W. SUTHERLAND



NEWPORT NEWS - Robert Wayne Sutherland, 49, born March 18, 1963, lifelong Peninsula resident, died Oct. 4, at Riverside Hospital.

Robert was the owner and operator of Agape Christian Bookstore. He was also a local umpire for fast pitch and slow pitch leagues in Newport News, York County and Williamsburg areas. He was a lifelong member and deacon of Riverside Baptist Church, and a member of First Church Ministries.

He is survived by his wife of four years, Delores Krug Sutherland; his parents, Bob and Peggy Sutherland; two sisters, Becky Sutherland and Deborah and brother-in-law, Steve Petrovitch; and one nephew, Cameron; as well as close extended family in Virginia; his mother-in-law, Betty Krug, and a large extended family in Illinois.

Family will receive friends from 5:30 to 8:30 p.m. Tuesday, Oct. 9, at Riverside Baptist Church, 7409 River Road, Newport News, VA 23607. The funeral will be 10:30 a.m. Oct. 10, at Riverside Baptist Church. Burial will follow in Peninsula Memorial Park.

In lieu of flowers, contributions can be made out to Robert Sutherland Memorial and mail to PSUA, P.O. Box 1844, Newport News, VA 23601.

Love him....

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/dailypress/obituary.aspx?n=robert-w-sutherland&pid=160316222#fbLoggedOut

Aching

Aching heart, aching stomach.....

My most precious, dear, thoughtful, caring brother passed away legally today at 3:05 PM by means of the declaration of his brain function. Heart and breath wise at around 8 PM. Spiritually he went to be with Jesus in my heart on Monday .

Robert I love you with all my heart. Yes I have some regrets but in sibling relationships you bicker and get on each others nerves. Thats life. I loved you for who you were and did not want to change a thing about you. You loved everybody and got hurt easily because of that. Your heart was so good.

You lived the life of Job but never gave up in your faith. Life sent you many struggles but you kept going.

You could not have any money to pay bills but if a homeless person came in the store and wanted food, you would scramble and walk with them to Food Lion to get food. In your healthier days , you would do anything for anybody.

Robert at least a 100 people came to the hospital in your time of need. They love you, they love us. We love you. You loved us. I hope I can live out your legacy in your ability to touch lives. WOW, is all I can say to that. Do you know how many friends made you their status on facebook this week? I just cried reading the posts. Unbelievable.

You didnt want to die... I know but you are now rejoicing with our Saviour. Praise Jesus. You are singing and your best friend that has been in heaven for 23 years is beside you playing the piano. I sang praise songs to you Tuesday just knowing when you heard my awful voice you would awaken and tell me to shutup. I knew then your spirit had left and this was just your earthly body when that awful noise didnt wake you.

Am I angry?  Oh yes, yes I am because we love you and want you here. You were only 49...way too young. It is not the natural order of things to bury your brother before your parents. Its not and its not right! I have said that so many times this week. ITS NOT RIGHT!

It's not right that it is a few weeks short of one year from burying our grandfather... THATS NOT RIGHT TO MOM!

It is not right for Mom and Dad to bury their only son. It is not right for me and Debbie to bury our only brother. It is not right for Steve to bury his brother of the heart. It is not right to Cameron to bury his Uncle Rob. It is not right of Dee to bury her husband of 4.5 years. IT IS NOT RIGHT!

I am not mad at you but aggravated that you didnt listen about the sleep apnea. Had you listened would you have met our maker on Monday? In that I really question . I believe God has your timing and knows but at the same time I dont believe that. I am so confused. All the what ifs!

In the mean time , we are left to grieve. We are left to follow your legacy of a Godly man. No doubt that is what you were.

You are a loved man , more than I could ever say.

You know Dad shows no emotion and doesnt talk but today he did tell me that I am just like him. This time he was talking about emotions. You were like Mom and he thinks I am like him but really I think I am Mom and Dad and Debbie is like Dad.

You LOVED your family. When there were talks about you and Dee moving to Illinois to be with her family. You were doing what you do best... thinking and scheming. You were trying to convince all of us why we needed to move to Illinois with you. YOU LOVED US! You had it all planned out on where we could work and live... you were good at thinking up things like that. You were a thinker.
As Dad said in your body's final minutes... Thanks for being my son for 49 years. Save room for me in Heaven. 

I say...Thanks for being my big brother for 39.5 years.  Prepare a place for me , Ill see you there one day.

 I know God had a bookstore ready for you there too with no worries and no stress.

No doubt that God said to you.... Well done, Good and Faithful Servant.

No update

No update today... same as yesterday.... still praying for a miracle on that EEG today.

prayers miracles

Blogger friends.... Please pray for a miracle. I plead with you .

My brother is in CCU onlife support. We need a miracle.

I dont want to lose him... It is not right. I am so upset.

You Big Dummy....

Yeppers that is what I feel like. I finally took the initiative to take test one of two for entrance into a program to pursue my Masters in Special Education.

I have been studying for weeks, mostly math. All that studying felt useless. The math had things I did not study and very little of what I did study. I read on a feed that it was heavy in geometry. Well there were about 3 out of 60 questions on geometry.

I will have the official results in about two weeks but I am pretty sure I am going to have to retake it in a month or two. I know that sounds negative but it was a tough test. I can usually approximate the answers in math in multiple choice but today I had to refer to my old handy dandy..... EENY, MEENY , MINEY , MOE.... then pray that MOE was the answer.


On another note, I learned the lesson about going to a beauty school to get your haircut. They caught my eye with the $8 haircut sign. I have been needing a haircut and I only had $10. Well, at a beauty school, tell them half the amount of hair you want cut off because then they will double that amount and it will be exactly what you wanted. My hair had really grown this summer and was nappy.The girl was very sweet and loved my hair. She kept asking if I was sure I wanted two inches off. I kept telling her yes. Well she did initially cut 2 inches the first time. Then she discovered she had cut the layers uneven and had to fix it. Well there went more hair. At a beauty school, the teacher has to come around and approve the haircut then fix mistakes. She cut a little more to make it to her satisfaction. In the end.... I lost almost 4 inches of length . I should be mad but I am not. I actually like it . I will go back again but I just hope it doesnt take almost an hour and a half for a simple layer and trim. I give the girl credit, she was very articulate and did not let me leave with uneven hair. The one thing about hair.... it grows back and mine grows. These girls need practice and I dont mind being their guinea pig....... Did I tell you that this hour and a half cut was right after my 4 hour test in which I had to sit the whole time?  Yeah... I was tired of sitting.

Down, down, down

I am really down and need prayer. I get like this every August when the money has run out from not working. Every direction I try something it fails and at times I am beyond tears. I am tired of failing at what I try to do. I am tired of being broke.I am tired of no moral support. I am tired of rejection letters. I mean eventually things have to change for me.

Crazy Lady Update

The crazy lady's Alzheimer's has become extremely worse. We received a phone call today that she has been sending money to scammers. I don't know how much all together. I just know today was $500.If she sent this amount, they will deposit money into her account. I just know it took the police over an hour to piece together what has been going on and that it is more than one scam she has fallen for. Her husband had to call the police when he figured out what she has been up to. She told the police that it is not a scam and her memory and mental state is fine. She also told them that her husband just does not want her to have money so he was trying to stop all this. Alrighty then.... Her children are seeking legal advice to start procedures for deeming her incompetent... oh she will fight. One of her children wants my Mom to help but we have advised her not to because this is not her battle. Her battle is over and somewhat settled.

Discovering....

This is not a deep post on discovery.....

I have discovered two things today....

1-     Pillsbury Easy Frost in the can is awesome. I frosted 18 cupcakes and they looked pretty good and it was SO easy.

2-      When you get out of the habit of writing things with pen and paper, your handwriting penmanship goes out the window. I was writing thank you notes tonight for my VBS workers and I have to say , I was embarrassed by my handwriting. Time to start writing some things everyday to improve that handwriting again.


Please pray for me as I make some educational decisions real soon. Also pray for me to find full-time employment with better pay. I have not worked since June 14 and the money is gone... long gone.

Short and Quick

I am alive still.

The devil is still working to ruin my VBS each week. Guess What?.... He is not winning... I had a record high of 17 children and teens this week.That is awesome for us. I told that devil to go away because he will not prevail.

Well, I am the busiest non-working person around . I am beyond tired and have a full day of free babysitting tomorrow.

Job searching....

Iam trying to look for jobs. I have sent resumes and job applications. It is easy to say.. fil out an application when you are looking for regular every day jobs. Teaching jobs and technical jobs are so different. I am sending one out tomorrow that will have 12 pages of paperwork. Really...12 pages of paperwork that include all my certifications , transcripts. job application, resume, total 24 years of work experience and now I have to write a specified cover letter. I feel like I am going in the Secret Service or something. I also feel I should send them my latest pap smear results , my blood type and my daily blood sugar levels. HAHAHA!

So if you know me and I said that I only had time to send out 3 job applications, you now know why. It is a long, timely process for me. I miss the days of just showing up , filling out 2 pages of information and leaving. Now it is almost an all day process.

ARRRGH! But once again... I will persevere.

PLease pray for me during this time.

Oh... I just realized that I am old enough to have 24 years of work experince... Oh my... I am old.

That devil... he's a trying....

Yep... that devil, he's a trying to bring me down.... That devil.... I am determined to not let him win. Cause you see when that devil comes a knocking, it just makes me angry and more determined to defeat him. Oh, he tries and he tries and at some moments he makes me second guess things. He tries to get into that little corner of my head that is self-doubting.... BUT I WILL SUCCEED because I have God and my work is about my GOD.  So, Mr. Devil....oh you are not worthy of a sir title or caps so let me redo.... So, devil, I see you working and I am stubborn you see cause when I see you working it makes me try even harder to STOMP YOU TO THE GROUND! 

My VBS that I direct for my church is actually God's VBS. You have tried for weeks for this not to happen by letting procrastination enter the scene. Then I got over the procrastination then I heard that too many people had missed church to help in VBS, so I tried to recruit very little help because I know I can handle it because I am about God's business. We have our VBS on Sundays during sunday school and church time. You see the devil played with that too when we had it during the week , we only had 3 attendees. I suggested doing it on Sundays and it was more successful with attendance. But see attendance does not bother me because if 1 child hears about Christ then everything is worth it. You see devil, you tried again to get in my head by mocking that I wont have many kids this Sunday but I just reminded myself that even if 1 child comes, it is worth it. You may win for a few moments in my head but not permanently. I am prepared mentally for a low turn out because you see devil you managed to change the plans of two of my workers and take yet another child away for the weekend. Yes it upset me at first but once again... I am stubborn for God. VBS will go on. You even tried some conflict last week with another helper but you see we made a compromise and you were defeated, yet again.

You tried again, devil by letting me read blogs about other churches having 200-900 attendees. I know the max I may have is 8. This is where God has planted me for the time being and I will continue to teach about Christ to my 8 children for as long as God plants me there. These 8 will get a lot of needed attention.

So devil... I am telling you to be prepared not to win from me over the next 5 weeks. I will be doing God's work and nothing you do will stop me because..... I WILL CONTINUE TO STOMP YOU TO THE GROUND!

Note to my readers..... I am human and have shed some tears over this but I have a lot of my Daddy's blood in me and the stubborn streak is part of it. I wont let that devil succeed.

See what happens when...

See what happens when I......clean.

I allotted myself 30 minutes to start cleaning my computer desk. I was almost done in that time so I decided to finish it. It took 45 minutes and I was surprised it only took that amount of time.

But the problem is.... Now I can not find the following that I knew were on the desk before I cleaned:

• My checkbook
• My Busch Gardens Season's Pass
• My handmade flower pen
• My scissors

This is only the beginning of what I can not find. I may be a messy person but at least when it is messy , I can find things.

Soap Box

Alright, I am on my soap box,ladies.

I went today for my annual woman's exam.I had put it off for a solid year.I even postponed it during spring break. I went in today and they were running behind. I told the secretary whom I have gotten to know through the years for my depo shot that I could reschedule if it would put them back on schedule. She would have no part of that .

After much anxiety and procrastination it was over with in just a few moments. I spent more time worrying then the actual exam.

So if I did it today.... you need to too.

How can you deny there is a God?

How can anyone ever deny there is a God?

Just look at the beauty he created. I am blessed enough to live around water. I take it for granted some days. I did realize on a trip to visit a friend in the mid-west that I missed not being near water.

Today I crossed two bridges to get to and fro to what I needed. It was beautiful. The waters were still and clear. Oh , It was marvelous.

I was listening to "Mighty to Save" praise song on the older bridge and could not help but belt out and raise one hand to God. I had to keep the other on the wheel. It was awesome. I mean who else could create such a majestic scene. No one but God.

I have every reason to be depressed today. This is my 3rd day with no work. School is out. I have no prospective jobs , the money is running out but I know My Saviour can Move Mountains and I leave it all in his Glorious Hands.

Thank you, God for showing me there is no reason to worry.Thank you for showing me the beauty of your hand. Thank you shining your light today for me to see your beauty. May I be a light for you and Jesus to others. My life is in your hands.


Shine Your light ;Let the whole world see


We're singing For the  glory Of the risen King


Jesus


You're the Savior You can move the mountains


Lord You are mighty to save  You are mighty to save


Forever  Author of Salvation


You rose ; conquered the grave


Yes You conquered the grave

Hazards of my job.....

You know I have good days and I have bad days as a substitute teacher. I may have a terrible day with some kids then hear something that makes it all worth it.

Today, I walked into the school and there was a boy waiting on me. He immediately asked if I was there for his teacher and I told him that I was. He said that he was so glad that I am the only substitute he likes. I felt good. I went to a pizza parlor tonight and a child followed me in and quietly talked to me for a few minutes. I later remembered he was from a special education class I was in recently and he does not take to subs well. So it took a lot and meant a lot for him to come talk to me. I did discover that he is kind of on his own because it was 9 PM and he was out alone. He told me he lived across the highway and was heading home. It made me feel good that he sought me out.

However, this job also entails some hazards.

Serious first:  You never know when you open your paper if you may find a student's mug shot. That happened indeed on more than one occasion but one this week that involved a firearm. That leaves me thinking... was he packing when he was in my class . That thought makes me shiver because I can make some students mad in a day but I am justified. I don't tolerate crazy behavior and disrespect to me. I have one major rule... stay in your seat. Is that hard? Well to some it is and then this confrontation turns into disrespect.

Funny second: The child at the pizza parlor was at the counter ordering a drink to go at the same time I was contemplating my order. We stepped back and talked briefly. They filled his drink and he asked how much he owed and the girl said the owner said nothing. I was impressed because this restaurant never gives anything away. NEVER! I placed my order for 2 subs one was $7.95 and one was $6.95. My order came to $18.79. Our restaurant tax is 11.5 % and I calculate very well in my head and this was not computing right. I have to watch my money and doing some calculations my sub was almost $11. This restaurant has more money than I do and I questioned how much an extra ingredient was and they said $1 per half. I was flabbergasted never has it been per half for a sub. I still wasn't happy over the extra $1. Some people don't argue over a dollar but that was my dollar and I was arguing. She calculated and agreed that I was over charged. She called the owner over to reevaluate. He said... Nope it is right. You have two subs at 6.95 , one with mushrooms for $1 and a drink for $2. I did not have a drink and he said I did. I will be darned that if I had a drink it was so good that I did not remember it. He said you did not order it but that boy did. He had charged me for this child's soda. My only thought is that he should have asked me if we were together. The child was very dark skinned and I am very light skinned . The child tried to pay before I ordered so where was this confusion coming from.  I did get my money back.. This restaurant will not go broke on that $2 but the poor child walked away thinking what nice people work at the restaurant. I will have to find him Monday and tell him so he doesn't think he can get another free soda. I knew better than to think this restaurant was giving anything out for free....So...now I have to be careful when I talk to my students because next time I may be charged for more than a soda.

AAAA...OK.

Friday night terrible storms blew through where I live on the Peninsula of Hampton Roads. Less than 5 miles from my home a tornado tore through. We were at the bowling alley and heard the fierce storms and were safe. There was a festival going on at the time and everyone made it to safety thanks to fast thinking of people near the pier. No one was injured.... no one was killed. A long time friend of mine survived and he was working at a hotel where it struck right outside. They assess the damage at 4.3 million dollars.

Please pray for the families of Hampton that lost their homes and businesses as they rebuild.

As for me ,my backyard is in Hampton....just not Downtown where this tornado was seen approaching from the water.

Thank You, God for watching after this community,

Siblings.....

I hope and pray that my siblings and I do not end up like me Mother and her sister. Though after my vent today, we may be heading there.

I live at home for financial reasons. I wish I was on my own but in this season of life, I am here. That can be good and bad for relationships.

I love my Dad with all my heart but I get tired of his demands. See, he is always telling my Mother and I to do things he can do himself. We get the brunt of it because we live with him. Some days, I have had enough. Sometimes I just think he sits there and thinks of things for you to do for him. It is nerve racking. I do it because I respect my Father and don't want to regret things when he is gone. Remember, I do this everyday. Every day he says... get this, get that, get this , get that. It never ends and most of the time he can get it himself.

I know he just had hip replacement surgery and is recuperating but it is month 2. When my Mother is not around I have to do things for him that she normally does. I do refuse to do some things because he can do them himself, like fix his own plate. She will fix it and take it to him. I tell him dinner is ready and he can come get it. If I see him struggling I will help take it back but it does not help him for us to do it.

This weekend we went to my cousin's for a family reunion. We stayed in a hotel. He did not tell me how to drive but would click his mouth. I know what his mouth clicking is, he is not happy. He controlled the directions and kept them from me. Once we got to the hotel, my Mom had stepped out. I had to get him a pillow, give him a blanket , fix him some water. Needless to say, I was over it. My Mom sometimes deliberately disappears because she gets tired of it too. It would be different if he could not get things, he can.

We arrived at my cousin's. My Mom was outside. My siblings were in a room playing a card game about 10 feet away. My Father got up to go to the restroom then comes back and sits in a different spot. He immediately tells me to get the coaster, get his medicine bag, and get his newspaper from where he was originally sitting. I lost it. I loudly proclaimed so that everyone could hear me that I had two other siblings who needed to help and that I was off duty this weekend at this point. My brother and my sister heard me. My brother in law and sister in law were in the room with me. She just smiled and walked away but my brother in law went off on me stating he was not doing anything. He just kept saying, no, no you are not. First off,  I said I had two siblings, I do consider my brother in law to be a second brother at this point I was talking about  my siblings God had given me through my parents. I looked in the other room and he was telling my sister that no they were not going to help and I can not say that I am off this weekend..... WHY? WHY is it my responsibility? I am with him at home and take care of the needs, wants, and demands all the time . Can they not give my Mother and I a break when we have things together? Is that not the least they can do?

Someone in the family said to me that since I live at home for free that they feel I should tend to his needs when my Mother is not around. I do EVERYDAY! But see my parents have done just as much for them. My nephew is 9 next month. They have never had to pay a dime for a babysitter. Does that not add up? Oh, in the summer occassionally they give me $20 or they pay for a meal on Sundays. My Mother works at my brother's store everyday for free. Free as in no pay. She also has loaned him WAY too much to keep the business open that has not been repaid. So everyone of us owes them. Why should I be more responsible than they are? Oh, thats right, I am everyday that I live there. Is it too much to ask that when we are together that they give me and her a break?

I do have a breaking point and today I reached it. I decided that I would go outside to socialize for the afternoon where my Mom was. This left no other choice but for one of them to provide for his wants and demands. My sister did step up because I think she knows I was at my breaking point and I am thankful for that. The day I see the other step up to do something, I know the world will be coming to an end.

Forever Friend....

This post is not meant to offend any of my friends. It is a tribute to a friend that has been in my life almost all of my life. She is my FOREVER FRIEND. I have been reminded lately that life is too short not to tell people how you feel.

FOREVER FRIEND

A FOREVER FRIEND is.....

Someone that you have known all your life.

Someone you used to play with all the time. I remember eating grapes your Dad grew on the side of the garage. I remember your Mom watching me a few times that my Mom was working.

Someone that you can not talk to for a few weeks or months yet know you are not mad at each other.

Someone that you can not talk to for a few weeks or months yet talk to them today and you would never know that you didn't talk to them everyday.

Someone that just stands there and listens when you need to talk even though you are babbling and babbling.

Someone that you buy a Christmas gift for every year even though it takes you until June some years to actually give it to them but they don't care. I think actually one year, it was the next December.

Someone that hears through the grapevine that you are in the hospital and does not get upset that she hears it that way. Instead she calls around to find where I am then when she gets off work, buys flowers and comes and sees you. I can never express how I felt when I saw you at a distance at the nurse's station when I was being rolled back from a test. I knew beyond a doubt you were there to see me. I may not have expressed things at the time... I was in a daze most of the time but there were tears when I saw you.

Someone that is so eager to provide a meal for your family when you are having rough times.

Someone that you let in your house no matter how messy your house is... this house is always messy.

Somoeone that understands what your are saying when there are things that go unsaid... they just know.

Someone that has seen you at your worst ,in your jammies and at your best heading to church.

Forever friend goes beyond any title I could give you. Best friends can come and go . Close friends can do the same. I have a list of names that had those titles that are no longer around.

Forever Friend is much stronger of a name and very rare......Literally, I know you will be my friend, forever.

I hope that I am at least half the Forever Friend you are to me.

Thank you, Angela.

Friend Update.....

My friend's Father passed away this morning. I woke up several times last night with the overwhelming spirit to pray for my friend and her family. My last prayer at around 6 AM was for God to call him home to Glory. He was tired and his family was worn out. God answered my prayer and their prayer. He went to be with Jesus at about 8:30 this morning.

This man had some faults in life that I will not go into detail about. I can tell you  that he loved God. He had a heart for the unsaved. He was a faithful Father and Husband. He chose his pallbearers two years ago when he was first diagnosed with possible brain cancer. His pallbearers for those that know him seem very different. They are not close friends or family. I started crying when they told me they are 5 of our neighbors. None of us are close neighbors but her and I, but they are hospitable neighbors. These 5 men that he chose are 5 men that he has tried to witness with all these years. None of the 5 ever showed an interest in coming to know Christ. I think 2 did make a profession of faith but did not stick with it. He chose these 5 men because he knew they would be pallbearers for him out of respect. He knew this would be his last chance to witness to them from his casket. You see this was a way to get them into the church to hear the Gospel preached as he knew it would be from his Pastor. What a heart he had for these men?What a legacy to leave with his daughters!

An update on to what the Lord laid on my heart to present to the family during his final days. I made a sunshine basket. I bought a lot of things from our bookstore such as: coffee mug, suncatcher, pen, notepaper, cd, a book, small plaques with scripture, an angel, box of tea, candy bars, luxury soap and lotion, and much more. I wrapped all of this individually and taped a comforting scripture verse for each item. I told them to unwrap them whenever one of them was really down and needed a little encouragement. They took turns picking something out everyday until Wednesday when he was placed in the hospital. They had made a decision that they would open a gift only when all three of them were home to appreciate it. They told me today they have enjoyed it and it has uplifted their spirits.

I was thinking of what to take the family today when I went to visit. I know they have a caring church and would inundated with food. My Mom agreed that food is the last thing they need. When the grandmother died , they had so much food that they were sending it to us. We did go get some soda, orange juice and a few bags of chips. I know chips is a food but not a perishable food that must be eaten within days.

In the mean time, please uplift his wife and daughters in prayer. They have a hard road ahead of them. He was a good Father and Husband but an overprotective and controlling one. They now have to adjust to life being lived on their own with no other control but God. They will survive but life will be so different. The daughters are my age, one is on her early 30's and the other will be 40 in December. Life will be so different.

Shower time....

I get to take a shower tomorrow.WOOHOO! I am excited. I have not had a shower in 4 days. Should I tell secrets like that? I am clean people. All parts that need to be cleaned have been cleaned. I have taken sponge baths in the kitchen. Good thing the house behind us is  empty because they would have seen a New Orleans Mardi Gras flashing in that window... the mini-blind is stuck.

My Mom's first splurge with her inheritance was redoing the bathroom to a handicap bathroom. It was supposed to be a 2 day job... this is me people does anything go right? NO...but it is done now and tomorrow I get to take a shower.I am so excited. I am someone that has to shower everyday and wash my hair. One day of leaning over the kitchen sink was fine... but not 3.

Noodle Nest.... don't say I cant rough it... for me those 3 days were roughing it and I get to have running water all over my body tomorrow and not just where I can squirt it with the kitchen water sprayer.

Woohoo! Come on 6:15 AM.

Growing too fast....

I have watched my wonderful nephew grow up way too fast. I still watch him 3 days a week but am not spending as much 1 on 1 time as I used to. You see, he is growing up and wants to play with his friends now while I babysit. We do very little together just one on one.

Today we were in the car for almost two hours driving to get tickets to the local Orioles farm team. I get them ahead to get the seats we want. That was two hours of just talk time with the commute to and fro with traffic and a pit stop. We stopped at a local ice cream shop. I let him go in alone. I could see him from the outside windows and watched him all excited to wait his turn. He was spinning the quarters on the counter, dropping them and just being his usual silly self. He turned and gave me a big wave with his gorgeous smile. It just warmed my heart. He walked out with a huge ice cream for himself and a small drink for me but he was so proud of doing it by himself.

We talked and talked about anything and everything in the car. He showed me some new signs he learned from his school buddies. One I did not like and tried to explain to him that it was a bad sign and we don't do that. It was not the middle finger , we went over that years ago. This is one that implements what happens between a man and woman when they should be married. He kept inquiring as to what it meant. I thought about it and told him it was something married men and women do and that is all he needed to know. He said that he knows what married men and women do . They have babies and the baby comes out the woman's koochie. I laughed and laughed. I asked who taught him this because I was afraid I was getting on thin ice with this subject. He said , " My Mommy did."  I laughed some more because she is an RN and usually uses the medical term not the slang term. I told him that the sign is what men and women do to have a baby and he was satisfied. I also reminded him it is not a good sign or gesture and not to use it again.

This has created a dilemma. My Mom thinks I should tell my sister. The problem is I am his safety person and I told him I would not discuss things with his Mom unless it will harm him. His parents have a tendency to over react. Even if I tell her things to put a bug in her ear, she does not protect me. She will tell him I said
this or that and then he distrusts me. He obviously trusts me and I don't want to break his trust. I have told her some things that I thought would hurt him so she could talk to him about it. This to me is not a problem until it happens again.

In the mean time, I will always be here for him to feel safe and be able to talk to. I don't know that I could love my own child anymore than I do him. I love him so much, even when he is being a spoiled booger. What I have learned is to slow down and enjoy the moments because they grow up way too fast.

The highlights of my day .... watching him smile and seeing his laugh lines around his mouth. Oh , How I love this child.

Suggestions...

A close friend and neighbor is losing her Father. He was put under hospice care last week. She is my age and her Father is 6 years younger than my Dad. She , like me , still lives at home. Her though, for other reasons. Please pray for this family.

I want to do something for them. They always bring us a meal when my Dad is in the hospital. When her Mom had surgery and went to rehab, I gave them a gift card to Chick-Fil-A because I knew they would be on the go alot. However, I know a meal may not be well received or needed because they are all home and I have tried before. My Mom suggested flowers but I find that morbid considering there will be lots of flowers when he passes. I have thought of brownies or a fruit basket......Any suggestions.

AHHH!

Well.I went to a medical express place. I had to practically beg for an antibiotic. Doc tried to tell me bronchitis is viral and MOST people do not respond to antibiotic. I AM NOT MOST PEOPLE! I know my body and will fight this for 3-4 weeks before getting better. He finally wrote the prescription for that, an inhaler and codeine cough medicine.

How am I now? I am fine as long as I don't eat, talk, sleep or exercise. What else can I do but sit and do nothing,now? Last night was the worst night so far. Codeine used to put me to sleep as a child but now it is a stimulant. I was up all night and I coughed all night because I could hear the congestion rattle. I hate that.

Hope I feel better soon.

Sickness...

Pray for me to have a good night's sleep. I have the bronchitis bark. I have the nasal drip causing the bronchitis bark. I have the headache from the nasal drip causing the bronchitis bark.

I think I am going to a quick medcare place tomorrow because I can not take the chance of my Dad with COPD getting this.

70

Happy 70th Birthday Mom!

Existing

I still exist..... yet again, I need a new keyboard.When this happens I don't post that often. I need to stop buying cheap keyboards. The o and the spacebar stick on this keyboard.

Anyways... wanted to tell you about something I tried tonight from Sonics.... A hot fudge milkshake...oh it is so good.

Noodle Nest....I also had your favorite....Old fashioned Cherry Coke.

Hope to post more soon.

One more thing, I had a bad day subbing one class yesterday.The kids were rude,mean and told me to do something in very foul language.

Today...one student came into class acting like a fool. He did not say anything bad just acting foolish cause he had a sub. One larger student that I have often looked at him and said...."Oh no man, you are not acting like that with her, she is the sweet sub." I dont consider myself sweet when working cause I can hold my own and be strong but this kid considered me sweet and defended me. He made me feel good.

Toodles.... allergies killing me and I am heading to bed.

Birthday Blahs!

Today is my birthday! Woohoo, I should be happy and excited. The most exciting part of my day was hearing my two best friends, Jennifer and Kim..and all the Facebook posts. The fact that it is Easter Sunday. Jesus is Risen and Alive, what a day to celebrate his life. Today was all about him.

Now for my pity party....

The last few birthdays have been very depressing. Please dont take me as being as being selfish or all about me. If you know me that is the last thing you can think about me. I go out of my way to help other people. Two years ago my Mom scheduled cataract surgery on my birthday and I had to care for her. Last year, I went out of town on my birthday... on purpose because that makes me feel special. This year I was blessed to have the money to fly out to see Jennifer'son get married the week before my birthday. That was the highlight of my month, spending time with them, being treated like real family and witnessing a blessed event.
Then my Dad had his hip surgery and cant get out, so going out of town on my birthday was out of the question especially with it being Easter Sunday. My Mom and I do try to go to PA for my birthday weekend. She could not leave him alone and I was broke at this point anyways. I was going to make reservations at the local AAA ball park to eat at the restaurant and watch the game next Sunday with family but my sister's family purchased tickets to the Nationals Reds game that day. So much for that.


Birthdays just remind me of everything I have not accomplished over the years and make me feel like a complete failure. I turned 39 today. I still live with my parents at 39. I am beyond flat broke at 39. I have no children at 39. I am not married at 39. I am beyond obese at 39. I have a useless teaching license at 39. I have a useless degree I worked hard for at 39. Everything I do fails. I am a failure at 39. I have no job for the summer at 39. Some birthdays, even today, I wonder why was I even born. I see nothing to show for 39 years of life.

I have volunteered to work with the church youth group. We had one successful event but believe me the devil tried to defeat that. He is working in my life in so many ways but harder with the youth department. I have one very stubborn grandparent that is putting a blocking stone on everything I try to do. The devil
succeeded in an event Saturday that I had to cancel. I have another one this Saturday that I may have to cancel for lack of participation. I had to deal with the grandparent situation today and it was just a real downer on my birthday.

The Lord has blessed me with four long-time great friends but none in this community. None that I can call up and say lets go have tea/coffee/lunch/shop/movie. Three live too far away and the fourth is one house down but is controlled by a Father who does not let her do anything at 39.I guess life could be worse, I can do what I want and as I please as I live  at home, unlike her. However, she is financially stable and has a built-in companion, her sister. One, Jennifer, always makes time for me when she is in town.I just wish God had called them to a church a wee bit closer.Jen, I am saving for a train trip to come visit soon, if you are not tired of me after last weekend. Kim, is in Oregon and would do everything with me if she were here but being on two different coasts makes that a little hard. Aimee is just far enough away to make it difficult but not too far that we can meet occasionally but fail to do so because of schedules.

I have a lot more to vent about but always worry if someone that I am venting about reads this or if someone they know does. I am pretty positive no other family reads this because I have all of four readers and I know who they are but my common sense tells me to keep it off here,so I will.

Please don't think I am horrible. It is just that birthdays remind me of everything I have not done in life and how short life is.

The crazy lady asked me if I was turning 29 or 49. Wow, I either look that young or that old. I'll take the young part but out of her , you never know.

One more thing, I was hoping to have a me day tomorrow but need to go to a funeral visitation in another part of the state because my great -aunt died yesterday. She is the last of my grandmother's family. I have been contemplating cancelling my job for Tuesday and going to the full funeral but would miss a days pay coming off of 6 days of no pay spring break. I know showing respect to her is worth more than money. The job I accepted was for Tuesday through Friday. If I cancel Tuesday ,I cancel the whole job week then have to fight for a sub job each day. This is hard especially coming off a break where teachers know they better not miss work after a spring break. Decisions, decisions.

I will leave you with the what my Mother said today.... She said 38 years ago today I told Bob ( my Dad) that this was his birthday present forever... My Dad's 74th is tomorrow. But the thing of it is.... My Mom thought I was turning 38. So, I guess if she is counting backwards then next year I will be 37.

I am sorry for my pity party but we all need one occasionally. I also know this post was all over the place but I had to get it off my chest and this was only half of it...

Happy Birthday to me.

P.S.... Had a sweet girl sing Happy Birthday to me on the phone today. Thanks Shelby. It was beautiful and made my day and made me smile.

PSS. I wasn't about me today... My initial thing was to sleep until Sunday School time and skip sunrise service and breakfast which I have never missed in 10-15 years  BUT I got up early and went to sunrise and Praised my Risen Saviour. It was a beautiful service and am glad I got up early.

UPDATE

• PLease continue to pray for my Dad. His surgery went ok but he has experienced a setback and was moved to step-down ICU because of his blood pressure.
• My Mom has received her half of the estate. That is done but crazy lady is already asking for the purple bag money even with all this going on with my Father.
• Pray for me.I am exhausted with these long hours of work then nephew, and hospital.
• Pray for my friend Jen at Noodle Nest...her son is getting married this weekend and the devil is trying to ruin her joy. Jen, HE WILL NOT WIN!
• Pray for safe airline travels for me as I  head out to this wonderful wedding. Jen, despite your last post.... we still are not old enough for you to have a child getting married :)
• Pray for me that Jen does not leave me stranded at the airport after that last comment. :)
• Pray for safe road travels for Jen and the Noodle/ Effler families as they head to Nashville for the wedding.

Update

My Dad came through surgery wonderfully heartwise today, however......It was supposed to be 2 hours so after 2 hours we were getting very antsy. They finally came out and told us they were just starting the replacement part of the surgery. They had spent the first 2 hours trying to remove the pin in his hip. First, it had slipped since the last xray, so that was pain in itself. Then the hip ball was shattered and they had a time getting the pin out. When I left he was still groggy and was using the phone as the remote control for the tv. It was comical. He has to have radiation tomorrow to prevent the bone from growing back into the muscle which they also discovered today.
Please continue to pray for him. He has a long road to recovery.

Randomness

• How come the one day I can not work because of a family situation there are 2 jobs posted for subbing at my favorite school? Go figure.
• Please pray for my Dad as he undergoes hip replacement surgery tomorrow morning.
• Please pray for me as they have changed my pay schedule. I received pay of 2 weeks last Friday and will not get paid again until April 13. I am having to live a month on 2 weeks salary,
• The situation with the estate is coming to an end....2 more bills to pay but we have received 2 phone calls to beware of a particular crazy lady getting rid of the money in the trust before she has to split it.
• Speaking of the crazy lady. She got upset when it was requested that she not come to the hospital the day of my Father's surgery because of the stress she causes. She asked my Mother if she will be there that day. My Mom replied, yes  since she is his wife. She then asked if us children will be there. My mom responded that yes we would , we are his children. She then stated that she should be there too because she is close to my Father. AHA! She is so close to him that she accused him of stealing from my grandfather and did not defend him about some awful accusations made by my grandmother who had dementia and in her right mind knows my Dad would never do what was said. Sure , she is close to him. ARRGGH!
• Speaking of the crazy lady again and her trying to be there with us during surgery reminds me of my own surgery 4.5 years ago. My Mom was so excited to tell me that I did not have cancer and did not have to have a hysterectomy that she told the crazy lady that when I am allowed visitors that she would go alone and tell me and then she could come in. My Mom turned around and crazy lady was right behind her. She had convinced the nurse that my Mom really did want her to be with her. ARRRGGH! That is the last face I wanted to see after surgery. She lies and conceives to get her way.
• Speaking of crazy lady again and again. Please pray for peace during hospital visits. When he was in the hospital a few weeks ago, she came to visit and started arguing with my Mom. My Mom asked her to leave and she refused. I was on the way to call for security when her husband convinced her to leave , finally. The sad thing, my sister works at this hospital and is really embarrassed when all this happens.
• Pray for me again because the devil is trying to defeat me and he will not win. More on that later.

Coming to an end

The days of "having" to deal with the crazy lady are coming to an end. Then it will be on our terms and only on our terms.

The house was sold Thursday for $50 grand less than value. It was a catch 22, take the cash and update the house just to get the asking price... it would all even out. Sold it as is with a 50 grand discount.

Crazy lady has done some crazy things and the Alzheimer's is worse. She stopped by my Mom's business to show her the paperwork for what the final amounts are for the house. My Mom took this opportunity to tell her how much she was hurt. Crazy lady sat there with a stone cold face. Then she reminded my Mom that because of her graciousness she was left in the will. My Mom then decided to inform her that we had a paper signed by him and notarized stating everything should be split 50/50. Her response was that good thing she waited because she would have fought it in court and deemed him incompetent if she had known while he was alive. THE CLINCHER..... She says she regrets nothing that she is the oldest child and according to the Old Testament the oldest child gets everything and is in charge of everything.

I thought we live in New Testament times, so I guess she needs to change what little religion she has to being a Jew since they live in Old Testament times.

I am so tired of her antics and the devil in me has no sympathy for her Alzheimer's nor her marriage problems. I need prayer in that regards. My grandfather told my Mom for months that the crazy lady would be struck by some kind of disease but not in his lifetime. Oh, if he knew it had already started.

Pure White

Pure White...That is what I come home to most days. She seems to enjoy showing me her pure white underside. Her upper side, however, is calico. Patches of orange, grey, brown and black tabby. She is a beautiful cat that I actually rejected a few years ago because she showed up looking mighty ugly with no hair, bumps and a skeleton. See with a little love and good food can do.

I know I have shared that story before but it still amazes me to see her transformation.

Since then, she has moved into the garage at night. She thinks she owns the garage. My Mom was cleaning it yesterday and she was beside her swatting her and hissing ( she is harmless... all hiss, no action)at her because she was changing her domain. When I let her in last night she had to thoroughly walk over everything and investigate all the changes to claim her domain back. She also refuses to eat at night outside until I let her in the garage. Then she wants to eat. She is not spoiled in the least bit.

By the way, that is a big belly which I have had to control her portions because now that she stays in the garage at night, she stays in our yard in the day time and gets very little exercise. She used to walk to the neighbor's garage several times a day for naps but they blocked her out because a opossum was coming in with her.

Anybody locally want a great cat. I love her and will miss her but she really needs to be an indoor cat and my cat will not let her in regardless. She is spayed,litter trained and rabied. My indoor cat  is 9 and a little set in his ways and used to having the house to himself. He lets me know frequently that he is not happy about the garage situation by swatting at me when I come in from the garage.

February Fitness Minutes....

February Fitness Minutes.......906.

Spent 2 days in the pool water walking for 2 hours a piece.

Weigh IN coming this weekend

Adoption - Adopting a Baby - Parenting.com

Adoption - Adopting a Baby - Parenting.com


This is what I read exactly one week after my rant post about adoption.... Awesome! Please take the time to read.

Ok, that is the tail end of the article, scroll to the botttom and go to page 1. I tried to fix it and it froze.

Funny,,,,

If I could be in charge and redo my grandfather's obituary, I would like to have the nerve this man had. He left me laughing.

Here is a link to an article.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laura-rowley/josie-anello_b_1297569.html?ref=fifty&icid=maing-grid10%7Chtmlws-main-bb%7Cdl13%7Csec1_lnk2%26pLid%3D138058

Really! Did you really say that?

Really! Did you really say that to a person whose biggest blessing in their life is adopted? Did you really tell me that your daughter and husband have crossed out adoption stating it is God's will they have a child of their own? Really, a " a child of their own". You are mighty glad I held my mouth in church.

Why don't you ask your daughter if it is God's will that they help a child in need who needs a mother and father? My family is the living proof that love is not blood. He is ours. He is who God gave us to love. Let me repeat HE IS OURS, blood or no blood. God chose our family to love him and we do. Thank You God!

My response was.... Well, it could be in God's will for them to adopt a child which would be "their child".

How can you be so closed minded ? Think about it, a child that God has given you whether through your body in childbirth or through adoption is "your child".God knows what he is doing. He placed that child with us over so many other families he could have went to. God blessed us.

Keeping that mindset could block one of the most beautiful blessings God  can give you.

One more thing.... I am also a woman who may never have biologically have a child and am looking forward to the day that I am blessed enough to adopt MY OWN CHILD!

I know I am sensitive to adoption and if you have never experienced adoption, you don't understand but if you read my blog....OPEN YOUR MIND!

Go even if you dont want to...

Have you ever had something you were supposed to go to but just did not want to?

This evening it was our church's annual Valentine's dinner at the local rescue mission. I did not want to go. It is always a little awkward and I was having an all about me mind set. I went anyways. Our church cook always makes a roast beef dinner around Valentine's Day  that we serve to the 20-25 men staying at the mission . Then, we join them once they are served. I sat beside one church member but still surrounded by 3 older African American men. I tried to talk. They did not talk back much. They gestured or laughed at me. Well, they laughed at about everything I said. You know what... I am a substitute teacher.Them laughing was what I put up with all day. I am immune, I have tough skin.. These men were not laughing at me though they were laughing because they thought I was comical. I wasn't trying to be comical ,I was trying to conversate. Then at the end one of the three men smiled at me and said..... You have brightened my day. Thank You. I almost cried.

Thank You Lord for nudging me to go. Thank you for allowing me to be a bright spot to these men who are going through tough times. I think my times are tough but theirs are tougher.  Thank you helping me remember silly stories that had to do with some of the gifts we gave them. Thank you for making me comical on a night I did not want to go at all. I pray that these men saw your light in those few minutes I was able to talk to them.

I also passed out valentine chocolates to them all. One of the men in my church started to help but decided to stop because he saw the men's faces light up when I gave them the candy and spoke to them while doing so. He came up to me later and told me why he stopped. I was embarrassed because I am a large full-figured woman, why would they care but they did.

I walked in dreading going but deciding to make the best of it by trying to bless them. I walked away more blessed than them.

Quick

I am still alive. Had a rough and busy weekend.I will post about it later when my big computer is working again.. Just keep my Dad in your prayers,

I went to the Y this evening .I was looking forward to some steamed zucchini tonight with a tadbit of olive oil butter and Mrs.Dash. I pulled the pack out that I bought from BJ's yesterday.I started slicing when I discovered it looked a lot like its twin vegetable, the cucumber. Well it was a cucumber and now I have 5 f them and am so disappointed.

Relief.....

I can hear clearly now the pressure's gone
I can hear all the obstacles in my ear.


I know that is bad lyrics for a good song but it has been a LONG week with pressure in my ears that would not pop. I was miserable.

My left ear popped on Wednesday. I was very happy but still felt like I was in a barrel talking. I could hear noise around me unless you were talking directly to me. I could not hear you right in front of me and found out that I don't lip read very well.My new favorite saying of the week was ..."HUH"

I did everything I could to get the right ear to pop with no success. Whatever I did would make the other pop. This afternoon that ear was bothering me and I was considering going to the doctor. I decided to hold my nose and try one more time this evening before heading out to a concert. This time it worked and I was so glorious. I sang the lyrics to the song above after it popped.

The icing on the cake was later at the concert. We went to hear and see the St.Olaf choir. They were excellent. Their music was slower than what I like but the harmony was great and 90% of it glorified God. What a great evening for that after finally being able to hear clearly after a week of barrel talking.

Thank You, Jesus for fixing my ear.

By the way, if the St. Olaf choir comes to your area.... Go see them. They were great and talented. These tickets were a Christmas present to my Mother and she loved it.I think it was her best gift.

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DID IT! I DID IT!

I made a commitment on January 2 to be active at least 10 minutes a day for the month of January.

Believe me , some days I did not want to do it but I got my butt up and did something. Last week when that cold kicked my butt, I still got up and did something. That something may have been walking, goign to the Y or just simply stepping or dancing in front of the television.

Total fitness minutes in January...675.

I do not have a total weight loss for January but I can tell you that I have lost 12 pounds since last being weighed around Thanksgiving.

Encourage me, please.

I am falling apart...

Help me! I am falling apart!

Last Sunday....sneezing alot.
Last Monday....sneezing and runny nose.
Last Tuesday through Friday.... full blown cold so bad Idid not even work all week.
Last Thursday to present.... bad head congestion and ear congestion.
Today.... soar throat, soar neck and congestion.

I just want to feel better.

Word of the Day!

FUNERALIZE

 fu·ner·al·ize. verb \ˈfyün(ə)rəˌlīz\. -ed/-ing/-s. Definition of FUNERALIZE. dial. transitive verb. : to hold a funeral or memorial service for

I had someone tell me they funeralized their sister in October. I was flabbergasted at the word thinking it was slang or a make believe word. I looked it up and it really exists.

The other definition is to officiate a funeral.

Learn something new every day.

Raisin Bran Muffins

I made these this evening and they were delicious. I was looking for something to grab and go for breakfast. Hope they are as good in the morning as they were warm this evening. Next time I may cut the sugar back a little. I don't like to bake but these were simple, to me at least.

Raisin Bran Muffins.

3 cups raisin bran

2 cups vanilla soy milk
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/4 cup unsweetened apple sauce
1  cup sugar
2 large eggs
2 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda dissolved in 1/4 cup of water

Directions:

Grease muffin pan
preheat oven to 375
Combine first all ingredients in a bowl and mix together
bake for 20 minutes



Number of Servings: 24

I am still alive

Wow! I did not realize I had not posted in 10 days. I have been meaning to do it for several nights but then get busy and don't. Also my new keyboard's space key is not very good. I have to press hard to get it to work or spend lots of time correcting what I typed.

I joined a challenge on sparkpeople.com that challenges me do some kind of physical activity every day for 10 minutes in the month of January. I am proud to announce this is day 6. I also have been to the Y , three times since Tuesday. On the days I have to force myself to get up and do something, I choose to walk or dance in front of the television for those 10 minutes. Most of these times I have kept going for longer than 10 minutes. Go Me!

Today I went to the Y for family day in the pool. I tried to swim some laps but had to stop because my swimsuit was falling off. I have a two piece, no not a bikini, and the two piece is getting a wee bit big. So every time I swam the pants would fall off. I was so proud of myself for trying but have to find my old one-piece before I try that again.

I had a blonde moment this evening. I have to check a website to look for schools for me to substitute at on any given day. Well I called the # this afternoon instead of doing it online. I accepted a job at my least favorite middle school. I thought it was a two day job for Wednesday and Thursday. I kept refreshing the page this evening looking for a job for tomorrow. I kept getting " No Jobs Available at this time." I was getting frustrated. I went back to look at my future jobs and noticed that job was for tomorrow not Wednesday. I was getting stressed for nothing. Now I just need positions for Wednesday through Friday.

Well, that is it for me at the moment. My bed is calling me.