Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Eve....

We kept our traditional Christmas Eve gathering. It was a lot different this year not only because of my brother but because my cousin did not come into town  for the first time. She moved three hours away 3 years ago. Up until this year , she came home. Personally, this was the wrong year for that with already dealing with a family death. Too much change at one time. Because of her not coming into town and her mother refusing to go to her, we were stuck with her mother, the crazy lady. The night did not go too bad , we made some changes to ease things. The crazy lady is just demanding and repeats her demanding things. She was bossing people around as to where to sit in my sisters house. We just let it go.

As for my brother, I know he is gone but it felt like he was in IL with his wife. I know in reality , he was not. It did hit me during prayer... he normally says prayer and he wasn't there anymore to pray. I cried and cried. We retired his stocking this year. My Mom started huge stockings for us years ago and that was the highlight of our Christmases. We did them tonight for a change. It felt weird him not going through his and trading things with each other. He would want us to continue everything as we did just with heavy and empty hearts.

I looked at my sister tonight and I cant explain the broken link but the link is broken. The three of us came from the same gene pool, the same household, the same upbringing, the same everything but mine was just 8 years behind them. It is a link that we have had since each one of us was born. Other than our parents , they are the only ones that have known me all my life. They are my safety net and the net has a big hole. She and I still have that link but the third part is broken here on earth. His link was different for both of us. He as the rock and the glue. One day it will be linked again but in the mean time I miss the triangular link and hope and pray that it will be linked again one day with Jesus. He is still the link but in an earthly since it is broken but not in a spiritual since.

Someone gave me a special ornament yesterday.... Brother and sister....Separated for now but linked forever in love. ....That says it all.

Sorry to be a downer or those having a joyful Christmas. I do know the true meaning of Christmas and am more than thankful for Jesus and eternal life. It is just hard celebrating when a piece of you is missing. The link is temporarily broken and for that I am sad.

I know some of this makes no sense and is babble. I am sorry,,,I just needed an outlet.  I guess it also opens your eyes to others who have lost and how they feel.

Sunday, December 23, 2012


Holidays are tough and I miss him more each day. I was given a memorial ornament from his wife. I just look at it in disbelief. It seems so unreal.

I have lots I could post about with stress and what I have been going through with legalities of a lot of things but at this time , I can not.

Crazy lady has gone over the loop. I dont see her much but did the other day. One day I will post on the funnies and the not so funnies. One of the not so funnies is she forgets my brother is with Jesus and keeps asking when he is going to show up for the family gatherings. That hurts but we dont tell her he is gone because that will cause more drama.

One thing... Marcia from ALL ABOUT MARCIA....I received your sympathy card today that you sent through the PSUA ( Peninsula Softball Umpires Association) . My brother loved to umpire girls ast pitch sotball. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. When I clean this living room , Iwill hopeully find your envelope and write a personal correspondence.

Thats all for now.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Boobies, Boobies, Boobies

Despite my denial.... I have finally reached the age that is recommended to get my boobies smashed for a mammogram.

It is less humiliating then the gynecologist but I really dont like another woman touching them and plopping them on plexiglass and smooshing them. There has to be a better way. I kept waiting for all the fat to come popping out.

What I came to realize is I do have some big boobies when you see them all smooshed on the machine. I just never realized I was that endowed.

OK... taking the humor away from smooshing my boobies today. I am sore. Also , if I hear from them tomorrow or Friday then there is some concern. I am having faith that I wont hear from them. My faith is trying to overcome the devil telling me other things. Believe me in the wake of losing my brother that devil is really trying but I am clinging to my God.

Now for the soap box...ladies call and get them boobies smashed. If I did it... anyone can do it.

Monday, December 3, 2012


A lot of you posted on thankulness for November and I struggled with thankulness for anything after losing my brother.

Here are some things over the last few days I am thankful for....

  • Salvation
  • My salvation
  • My brother's salvation
  • Jesus' returning soon to reunite me with my brother
  • Heaven
The following has dawned on me because of a young man that has been sent our direction through God and has been a tremendous help at the store despite  me getting irritated with him knowing everything. I dont know his story, he is very mysterious but he has been used by God to help and minister to us. I am piecing together that he is technically homeless but stays at a friends  house some at night. He never asks for anything but will take what we give which has been a nice study bible he was eyeing , food and maybe a ride somewhere. The only things he has ever asked for have been a soda and a star wars collectibles book we found in a box.  He has volunteered hours and hours and lifted many boxes. We found my brothers bike and gave it to him and he was ecstatic, This is what I am thankful for that I have learned from him:
  • warm place to sleep
  • not ever knowing what true hunger is
  • my car
  • my family
  • clean clothes
  • soap
  • warm showers
  • what little money I have
I am still down but trying to be thankful or what I have. My brother would want us to help him in ways that we can. He seems like a man that is down on his luck and very knowledgeable about the Bible and theology. PLease uplift him in prayer as we dont know his story but he seems to be a really nice guy just down on his luck right now.

Saturday, December 1, 2012


I am still alive and still dealing and grieving. Here are some thoughts some good some bad but here goes

  • I still look for him to be behind the desk at the store and he is never there.
  • Ihad a lot things to tell my brother about church and friends but he is no longer here.
  • Everyday I work at the business which is everyday but Sunday, I realize I am making the right decision about closing. Everyday.
  • I end up in tears a lot over all this... I didn't ask for it but have to see that it is done how he would want it done. I don't have the option of walking away and just locking the door.
  • I go to the back of our store in the warehouse and think... how did he collect so many books, fixtures and junk over three years.
  • I go to the back and think... how am I going to do this? Then I cry with from being overwhelmed.
  • I try to hold my tongue on things to keep peace with individuals but I have to say my tongue is ready to let loose.
  • I wish I could just say... this is too hard and walk away but I cant but some can and needless to say that is the one that I am holding my tongue on.
  • I rented a storage unit and have been moving boxes of books with volunteers. Some days I am just overwhelmed but I go because I shouldn't expect the volunteers to do more than me.
  • As a woman, I feel bad because I am working just as hard as the two men helping but sometimes I want to hear... You shouldn't lift that or I will do that for you. It doesn't happen but I would like to hear it. It makes me feel like I am not a woman or because of my size they think I am not woman like. It hurts me.
  • It hurts me at how mean customers can be even in your grief. Stealing 5 bibles during my brother's hospital stay and funeral. Another one telling me it is ridiculous that she ordered a book on Tuesday afternoon and it wasn't there Friday. I am not a miracle worker. Another telling me she bought something a few months ago ( January) and knows she paid full price for it and has just discovered it is used ( we sell used books too). ummmhh... she has no receipt but I should take her word for it. Ummh! ok. She wants the price difference back. Ummh ok,
  • Then I have the days when I am very sarcastic. Like the bill collector who calls and wants to speak to my brother. I tell them to call Heaven. They freeze then say thank you and  hangup. Then a few days later they call back and ask for him again...same number on caller id. I guess they didn't have a good connection with Heaven,
  • The a search engine calls wanting to speak to the owner and at the time I didn't know if I legally was owner because of lack of stockholders. I tell the guy I am as close as he gets so we play games for a few minutes then he says well since I am not the decision maker he wont talk to me and hung up... He was the fool. I was in the mood to play games with sarcasm... I am the legal owner.
  • The printer broke today and I sat in tears thinking ... I didn't ask for all this , he wasn't supposed to die.
  • Black Friday , the computer I use more often crashed. I sat there crying thinking... I didn't ask for this he wasn't supposed to die.
  • Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I moved a table, it broke and crashed with everything on it. It hit a gift display which in turn knocked over a nice clock which cracked. I sat there crying as the UPS driver arrived saying,,,, I didn't ask for all this, he wasn't supposed to die.The UPS driver agreed and helped me pick it all up.
  • Today it was one problem after another all day. Solvable but overwhelming then volunteers saying what do I do with this and this and this . I finally looked at them and said... I DONT KNOW AND I DONT CARE RIGHT NOW. I didnt mean to be ugly I was just overwhelmed.
  • I have my first mammogram scheduled ...just routine but the devil is playing games with my head. He is putting doubts and thoughts like,,, It is your time now. This is going to be bad and your family is going to lose you too. I tell him to get out with those thoughts but the image of my parents burying another child is just heartbreaking. My nephew losing me,,,,its just overwhelming . I am trying to be positive
Welcome to my head,,,,I hope I havnt scared you and I didnt even mention any of the legal issues I have had either.

I will leave you with this....It is a really sad day when I work as substitute in the day time and it is what I consider to be stress free.