Saturday, December 1, 2012

Thoughts

I am still alive and still dealing and grieving. Here are some thoughts some good some bad but here goes

  • I still look for him to be behind the desk at the store and he is never there.
  • Ihad a lot things to tell my brother about church and friends but he is no longer here.
  • Everyday I work at the business which is everyday but Sunday, I realize I am making the right decision about closing. Everyday.
  • I end up in tears a lot over all this... I didn't ask for it but have to see that it is done how he would want it done. I don't have the option of walking away and just locking the door.
  • I go to the back of our store in the warehouse and think... how did he collect so many books, fixtures and junk over three years.
  • I go to the back and think... how am I going to do this? Then I cry with from being overwhelmed.
  • I try to hold my tongue on things to keep peace with individuals but I have to say my tongue is ready to let loose.
  • I wish I could just say... this is too hard and walk away but I cant but some can and needless to say that is the one that I am holding my tongue on.
  • I rented a storage unit and have been moving boxes of books with volunteers. Some days I am just overwhelmed but I go because I shouldn't expect the volunteers to do more than me.
  • As a woman, I feel bad because I am working just as hard as the two men helping but sometimes I want to hear... You shouldn't lift that or I will do that for you. It doesn't happen but I would like to hear it. It makes me feel like I am not a woman or because of my size they think I am not woman like. It hurts me.
  • It hurts me at how mean customers can be even in your grief. Stealing 5 bibles during my brother's hospital stay and funeral. Another one telling me it is ridiculous that she ordered a book on Tuesday afternoon and it wasn't there Friday. I am not a miracle worker. Another telling me she bought something a few months ago ( January) and knows she paid full price for it and has just discovered it is used ( we sell used books too). ummmhh... she has no receipt but I should take her word for it. Ummh! ok. She wants the price difference back. Ummh ok,
  • Then I have the days when I am very sarcastic. Like the bill collector who calls and wants to speak to my brother. I tell them to call Heaven. They freeze then say thank you and  hangup. Then a few days later they call back and ask for him again...same number on caller id. I guess they didn't have a good connection with Heaven,
  • The a search engine calls wanting to speak to the owner and at the time I didn't know if I legally was owner because of lack of stockholders. I tell the guy I am as close as he gets so we play games for a few minutes then he says well since I am not the decision maker he wont talk to me and hung up... He was the fool. I was in the mood to play games with sarcasm... I am the legal owner.
  • The printer broke today and I sat in tears thinking ... I didn't ask for all this , he wasn't supposed to die.
  • Black Friday , the computer I use more often crashed. I sat there crying thinking... I didn't ask for this he wasn't supposed to die.
  • Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I moved a table, it broke and crashed with everything on it. It hit a gift display which in turn knocked over a nice clock which cracked. I sat there crying as the UPS driver arrived saying,,,, I didn't ask for all this, he wasn't supposed to die.The UPS driver agreed and helped me pick it all up.
  • Today it was one problem after another all day. Solvable but overwhelming then volunteers saying what do I do with this and this and this . I finally looked at them and said... I DONT KNOW AND I DONT CARE RIGHT NOW. I didnt mean to be ugly I was just overwhelmed.
  • I have my first mammogram scheduled ...just routine but the devil is playing games with my head. He is putting doubts and thoughts like,,, It is your time now. This is going to be bad and your family is going to lose you too. I tell him to get out with those thoughts but the image of my parents burying another child is just heartbreaking. My nephew losing me,,,,its just overwhelming . I am trying to be positive
Welcome to my head,,,,I hope I havnt scared you and I didnt even mention any of the legal issues I have had either.

I will leave you with this....It is a really sad day when I work as substitute in the day time and it is what I consider to be stress free.

2 comments:

That corgi :) said...

I am so sorry Becky; I can't imagine all you are going through and how hard it is.

betty

The Brown Recluse said...

Becky, Becky, Becky! I am so sorry! I know just grieving would be so much to bear, but to have to deal with all the rest of it, too...well, I'm just so sorry.

I can only offer some suggestions...merely suggestions...every time you are feeling overwhelmed, sing praises, recite scripture, thank God...for what, you say? Well, I don't know. Look around and find something to praise/thank Him for. The reason I say to do all this is because praising God and giving Thanksgiving is where your peace comes from. You can do this, Becky, I promise you can.