Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Eve....

We kept our traditional Christmas Eve gathering. It was a lot different this year not only because of my brother but because my cousin did not come into town  for the first time. She moved three hours away 3 years ago. Up until this year , she came home. Personally, this was the wrong year for that with already dealing with a family death. Too much change at one time. Because of her not coming into town and her mother refusing to go to her, we were stuck with her mother, the crazy lady. The night did not go too bad , we made some changes to ease things. The crazy lady is just demanding and repeats her demanding things. She was bossing people around as to where to sit in my sisters house. We just let it go.

As for my brother, I know he is gone but it felt like he was in IL with his wife. I know in reality , he was not. It did hit me during prayer... he normally says prayer and he wasn't there anymore to pray. I cried and cried. We retired his stocking this year. My Mom started huge stockings for us years ago and that was the highlight of our Christmases. We did them tonight for a change. It felt weird him not going through his and trading things with each other. He would want us to continue everything as we did just with heavy and empty hearts.

I looked at my sister tonight and I cant explain the broken link but the link is broken. The three of us came from the same gene pool, the same household, the same upbringing, the same everything but mine was just 8 years behind them. It is a link that we have had since each one of us was born. Other than our parents , they are the only ones that have known me all my life. They are my safety net and the net has a big hole. She and I still have that link but the third part is broken here on earth. His link was different for both of us. He as the rock and the glue. One day it will be linked again but in the mean time I miss the triangular link and hope and pray that it will be linked again one day with Jesus. He is still the link but in an earthly since it is broken but not in a spiritual since.

Someone gave me a special ornament yesterday.... Brother and sister....Separated for now but linked forever in love. ....That says it all.

Sorry to be a downer or those having a joyful Christmas. I do know the true meaning of Christmas and am more than thankful for Jesus and eternal life. It is just hard celebrating when a piece of you is missing. The link is temporarily broken and for that I am sad.

I know some of this makes no sense and is babble. I am sorry,,,I just needed an outlet.  I guess it also opens your eyes to others who have lost and how they feel.


The Brown Recluse said...

I'm glad you are able to come here and say what you need to say. I wish you a peaceful Christmas.

That corgi :) said...

It is hard Becky the year of firsts that you and your family are in with your brother's passing. Each holiday you will remember the one last year when your brother was still alive. Next year will be "easier" but it will never be the same again. So you appreciate what you still have and miss/mourn what was lost, but grateful that you will see him again. Like Meg said, I too wish you a peaceful Christmas.