Sunday, April 8, 2012

Birthday Blahs!

Today is my birthday! Woohoo, I should be happy and excited. The most exciting part of my day was hearing my two best friends, Jennifer and Kim..and all the Facebook posts. The fact that it is Easter Sunday. Jesus is Risen and Alive, what a day to celebrate his life. Today was all about him.

Now for my pity party....

The last few birthdays have been very depressing. Please dont take me as being as being selfish or all about me. If you know me that is the last thing you can think about me. I go out of my way to help other people. Two years ago my Mom scheduled cataract surgery on my birthday and I had to care for her. Last year, I went out of town on my birthday... on purpose because that makes me feel special. This year I was blessed to have the money to fly out to see Jennifer'son get married the week before my birthday. That was the highlight of my month, spending time with them, being treated like real family and witnessing a blessed event.
Then my Dad had his hip surgery and cant get out, so going out of town on my birthday was out of the question especially with it being Easter Sunday. My Mom and I do try to go to PA for my birthday weekend. She could not leave him alone and I was broke at this point anyways. I was going to make reservations at the local AAA ball park to eat at the restaurant and watch the game next Sunday with family but my sister's family purchased tickets to the Nationals Reds game that day. So much for that.

Birthdays just remind me of everything I have not accomplished over the years and make me feel like a complete failure. I turned 39 today. I still live with my parents at 39. I am beyond flat broke at 39. I have no children at 39. I am not married at 39. I am beyond obese at 39. I have a useless teaching license at 39. I have a useless degree I worked hard for at 39. Everything I do fails. I am a failure at 39. I have no job for the summer at 39. Some birthdays, even today, I wonder why was I even born. I see nothing to show for 39 years of life.

I have volunteered to work with the church youth group. We had one successful event but believe me the devil tried to defeat that. He is working in my life in so many ways but harder with the youth department. I have one very stubborn grandparent that is putting a blocking stone on everything I try to do. The devil
succeeded in an event Saturday that I had to cancel. I have another one this Saturday that I may have to cancel for lack of participation. I had to deal with the grandparent situation today and it was just a real downer on my birthday.

The Lord has blessed me with four long-time great friends but none in this community. None that I can call up and say lets go have tea/coffee/lunch/shop/movie. Three live too far away and the fourth is one house down but is controlled by a Father who does not let her do anything at 39.I guess life could be worse, I can do what I want and as I please as I live  at home, unlike her. However, she is financially stable and has a built-in companion, her sister. One, Jennifer, always makes time for me when she is in town.I just wish God had called them to a church a wee bit closer.Jen, I am saving for a train trip to come visit soon, if you are not tired of me after last weekend. Kim, is in Oregon and would do everything with me if she were here but being on two different coasts makes that a little hard. Aimee is just far enough away to make it difficult but not too far that we can meet occasionally but fail to do so because of schedules.

I have a lot more to vent about but always worry if someone that I am venting about reads this or if someone they know does. I am pretty positive no other family reads this because I have all of four readers and I know who they are but my common sense tells me to keep it off here,so I will.

Please don't think I am horrible. It is just that birthdays remind me of everything I have not done in life and how short life is.

The crazy lady asked me if I was turning 29 or 49. Wow, I either look that young or that old. I'll take the young part but out of her , you never know.

One more thing, I was hoping to have a me day tomorrow but need to go to a funeral visitation in another part of the state because my great -aunt died yesterday. She is the last of my grandmother's family. I have been contemplating cancelling my job for Tuesday and going to the full funeral but would miss a days pay coming off of 6 days of no pay spring break. I know showing respect to her is worth more than money. The job I accepted was for Tuesday through Friday. If I cancel Tuesday ,I cancel the whole job week then have to fight for a sub job each day. This is hard especially coming off a break where teachers know they better not miss work after a spring break. Decisions, decisions.

I will leave you with the what my Mother said today.... She said 38 years ago today I told Bob ( my Dad) that this was his birthday present forever... My Dad's 74th is tomorrow. But the thing of it is.... My Mom thought I was turning 38. So, I guess if she is counting backwards then next year I will be 37.

I am sorry for my pity party but we all need one occasionally. I also know this post was all over the place but I had to get it off my chest and this was only half of it...

Happy Birthday to me.

P.S.... Had a sweet girl sing Happy Birthday to me on the phone today. Thanks Shelby. It was beautiful and made my day and made me smile.

PSS. I wasn't about me today... My initial thing was to sleep until Sunday School time and skip sunrise service and breakfast which I have never missed in 10-15 years  BUT I got up early and went to sunrise and Praised my Risen Saviour. It was a beautiful service and am glad I got up early.