Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Getting old

Three things that have happened recently that have made me realize I am getting old......

We sell books online. Sometimes I have to key in the publishing date. I keyed in 1992. I thought that book is not that old, I graduated in 1991. Then it hits me... that books is 21 years old... It is an old book.

When you see on facebook that a friend who graduated a year behind you is retiring from a 20 year military career. Yep....retiring. WOW, I am old!

Lastly,,,,your ten year old nephew whom it seems like just came into our lives last year is learning about puberty and heading into it....what! He is supposed to be a baby forever and never grow up. :(

Soon I will be saying....back in the olden days or when I was your age I had to walk 3 miles to school up and back in the snow up a hill.....Life goes on.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Lots to say

I have a lot to say and I may get tired and make it part one and part two.

Part One

My brother officially left this earth on a Thursday at 7:30. So on Thursday of last  week, I bought two balloons and went to the grave site with my nephew after school. I went and said my tribute. Then I cried and released the balloon. I asked my nephew if he wanted to say something. His response was that he didn't know what to say. I told him to say what ever is on his heart even if it is just I love you and miss you. He said ok. I asked if he wanted me to stay or walk away. He told me to walk away. I did walk away a few grave sites over. I watched him though. He did say something then walked past the tree my brother is under and released his balloon. I walked up and touched him and he leaned his head into me and sobbed. We both sobbed.

Then we walked over to my uncle's grave, who he had never met. I explained to him he was crazy lady's first husband and his cousin's daddy. We then drove to my grandparent's grave. We looked at it and then I had an idea. We stole a flower from my grandparent's new fall flower arrangement paid for by the crazy lady. We took it to my brother's best friend's grave. He was killed in an accident in 1989 at 21. It was devastating to my brother and our church. We found it. ( I always visit it after my grandparents). My nephew immediately bent over to clean off the headstone. He then laid the flower diagonally across the headstone. It was very touching how precise and careful he was. It was like it was an honor for him to do this for Rob's best friend. I was teary eyed again.

Part Two

Friday rolls around... according the calendar , it is officially a year that day. I had wanted to have a family dinner in his honor. This was shot down by my other sibling who did not want to do anything sad. So we do nothing as a family. She lays around all day with tears and sadness. Her way of grief. My nephew won't play with friends and mopes around outside. I look at him and said his uncle would love that we miss him but he would not be happy with you moping around and not playing ball. So get up, get your ball and go play baseball, your uncle's favorite sport. He did.

Well, I am miserable just sitting around. I wanted to pay honor and have a tribute to his life. HIS LIFE not his death. I came home and told my Mom that we were going to the grave site with a balloon for her and heading out to dinner somewhere. She said, well I was wanting to go to grave site but did not want to go alone. So off we went. She went and said her tribute then released her balloon. We then went out to a Mexican restaurant. You see on Saturday nights before he was married we would eat out every Saturday night and would frequent a Mexican restaurant. So we sit down and I order his favorite Mexican meal.... Nachos Supreme. It was a delicious. Then I came home and had his favorite candy... Peanut M & M's.

Mom said.... I want to make this a tradition. We all miss him but we can't bring him back but we can honor him. Indeed, we did.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

A year...

This week marks a year for my brother's passing with October 4 being the official date of death. I believe his spirit was with Jesus before that. It is a hard week.

Someone posted a note on his facebook page in which the person was so regretful for not making things right with him. I am glad I don't have regrets. Yes , we had our moments and got mad at each other but he was my brother and I would have always been there for him no matter how frustrated I could get about some things. .

God gave me a huge gift the Saturday before he passed. We talked off and on for hours just me and him. Not my Mother or his wife there to intervene. It wasn't deep talk but life talk. I also sat across from him that Sunday at the Mexican restaurant and conversed with him . Our last conversation was about Chipper Jone's retiring from the Braves and how he would never have money woes. I wont forget those conversations.

We ended on a positive note. I cant imagine living with regret on how you treated someone. It is my goal to always be the better person... It is hard but it beats regret and it truly shows Christ's love and that is my goal. To leave people with a taste of God. I am struggling with this with one person in particular but I think things are beyond repair with that individual. I do pray for my heart to softened toward this person. It is hard.

 I miss him more than ever. I still look at the pictures and think... He is gone , he is really gone and tear up. My sister was honest in a post yesterday... She said, Lord I pray that you can heal the heart and help me forgive. We have a lot to be angry with but the time needs to come to forgive. The anger is not with him but with circumstances surrounding the death. She, in particular, performed CPR on him but his brain was too damaged at that point.

Please pray for us as we hit this sad milestone.Pray for us to band as a family and grow stronger even though we are weak.