Friday, August 30, 2013

Fighting the depression

I was doing a little better with being down and and depressed.

I received a call about 2 months ago from another Christian retailer asking me to work for her for a week while her entire family took a vacation. I told her I would.

Let me tell you on day one of working there , I was depressed. So much of the stuff reminded me of my brother and made me miss him even more.

What did I learn... I could not have carried the business on without him. He was so much a part of it that it never would have been the same. My heart is not in it anymore without him.

I will be glad tomorrow at 6 PM when it will be my last few minutes there. I dont like this feeling of depression, sadness and unhappiness all the time.

I have been going to bed so early just from being tired and depressed and dont like that either.

You just dont know how much I wanted to call her and say... I just cant do it but I have persevered and followed through with my committment.

Today someone came in and wanted a cd burned and it was the song I requested at my brothers funeral. He then asked us to play it over the speaker system so that he could hear it better. We obliged but within seconds I was hiding in the back balling like a baby, I couldnt help it and I couldnt stop them and I let them flow and flow. 

I have enjoyed seeing a few of our old customers but have not enjoyed the attitudes of so-called Christians again.

So it was a week to know I made the right decision in closing the store and a week to learn I cant work Christian retail anymore and week to learn I cant work retail anymore either.

On a funny note, which believe me , I needed some laughter. The pizza place next door has a real sweet young man working there the last few days when I have placed my lunch order. He asked me how old I was today in conversation and I told him 40. His mouth dropped in disbelief and he said I thought you were 30 at the most. He is my new best friend. Sad,,,, I am old enough to be his momma.

Saturday, August 17, 2013


Forgiveness...It is a hard word if you have been wronged or hurt by someone.

God is really working in my heart with forgiveness with things involved in the death of my brother. It has been over 10 months. There is so much I still want to say to him, nothing bad... I just want to talk to him like I did that Saturday before he died, as a brother and friend. I am happy that I know he is in Heaven and I will see him again one day but I am angry I have to go through the rest of my life here on earth without him. I am dealing with that slowly. Hopefully, I will be in a christian grief course to help sort some of my thoughts.

Back to forgiveness, there is a man in my church who wronged my brother years ago. In fact when my brother was pushing for change in the church, this man flat out told my grandfather that the devil was in our church and he was referring to my brother. My grandfather politely told him it was time to leave after that statement. Well, this man despised my brother on the deacon board because my brother was going against the flow with change and this man did not want change. Fast forward a few years, this man makes peace with my brother but never officially apologized but my brother forgave him anyways. I , however, did not. You wronged my family, you wronged me. This man came up to the hospital and weeped when my brother was there. He came to the funeral and weeped and told my Mom he loved my brother and was devastated. I sat there showing no sympathy. I can be hard... I have my Daddy in me.

Over the past year, this man finally won my forgiveness. He went over and beyond inquiring about my family and especially my Mother with her cancer situation. This man was a shorter man but strong man.. He helped build the church and maintain it through the years but wow was he verbal and opinionated. I did not know but he lives less than a mile from me. I knew he has cancer but he would show up for church here and there looking good . Today as we drove by, something told us to turn around and go see him and his wife. We did. He is now completely bed-ridden and in hospice care. It was so sad to see what was such a strong man, not even be able to sit up in bed. He was so white. I could tell he was tired but he was so happy for us to stop by and see him and his wife. He asked us to pray for God to take him home. I looked at this man and he was far from the man I remember and I had no choice but to continue to forgive him. This time when he recalled memories of my brother , he had nothing but good and loving things to say. It was heart-warming to see the change.

While he was talking and coughing, I prayed a prayer just for him. I prayed this... Dear Lord Jesus, Please take this man out of his earthly misery and let him rest peacefully with you for eternity. Don't let him suffer anymore..AMEN!

I truly meant it. As much as I did not want to forgive this man for years, I did. As much as I sometimes think what comes around goes around,  I could not wish any more pain upon this man.

I felt good when we left.

Now I am still dealing with some issues with the aunt and other members I need to forgive also. I give that to Jesus and pray about it daily.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Standing on the Promises

Standing, standing,
Standing on the promises of God my Savior;
Standing, standing,
I’m standing on the promises of God.

We sang that song tonight at church and I teared up. That is exactly what has gotten me through the last 10 months... God's promise that I will see my brother again. Oh , how I miss him.