Me

How am I?

Well, I am depressed and still in disbelief. I look at his picture and find it unbelievable that he is gone. Yes, I know he has not been at the store and I know why. I am just still stunned that my big brother is no longer living on this earth. On my sister's birthday, it felt like he was just out umpiring but on my way home I kept thinking that I will never ever see him again during my earthly life. That could be a real long time.

I wonder about heaven. I wonder if he can see how hurt and depressed we are. I wonder if he is happy, I know he is but my mind wanders with how can he be happy when his closest loved ones are still here on earth.

I want to call him right now and tell him what I told my sister. I want to tell him to meet me in the ER tonight because my Dad will be there with heart problems should Obama win again. He would chuckle. We talked about the election not too long ago and how Dad would react if Obama is president again. It is a big family joke. I wonder if the supposedly family friend will be right when she looked at me and said while I was beside my Dad and brother's casket.... I hope you are prepared to go through this again with your Dad soon especially if Obama wins. SHe was not kidding but I wonder if she is right. My Dad lost his only son and is an inward emotional person with heart issues.

I want to ask him... Why did you leave me in such a mess with the business?I am not mad at him I just want to shake him and ask why oh why.

I go to the gravesite and just stand and cry because it does not seem right to see his temporary marker with his name on it. It should not be.

I have been working everyday from 7-6 or 750- 6 Monday through Friday between substituting during the day then going in to run the store in the latter part of the day. Then I have been working all day on Saturdays. I will have to continue this through December as we close the business down. I can't close the business down because I need money to pay the state tax bill he has left me with that I am personally responsible for. I get paid for subbing. I get nothing from the business. I am putting it all towards saving my butt from the tax department.

There is tons of confusion on his life insurance policy. It was not personal but corporate with the beneficiary being the old corporation that is defunct. I have the insurance company telling me I need to claim it. I have a lawyer telling me I dont. So much pressure that my head just spins.

Since the day of the funeral, October 10, my only days off have been Sundays and the one Monday that Hurricane Sandy was supposed to hit. Sundays I stay on the go with church and errands. That Monday I had my nephew all day. So really I have had not time to sit, think and grieve.

I have caught a cold or am suffering from fall allergies. It is now in my chest and am fighting bronchitis too.

I go to work all day til 6. I get off and go see my nephew for a few who has really taken this hard. I eat dinner. I then cook dinner for the next night. Fix my lunch and am more than ready for bed at 9 PM. That is unusually early for me. I am exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally at that time. I am usually in bed at 11 PM.

I am not sleeping much because I am coughing so much at night.

I say all this to ask for you to  continue to pray strength, peace and rest.