Sunday, October 21, 2012

Nightmare

When will this nightmare end and I wake up and find out this month has all been one terrible dream?

I just want my brother. I miss him. I love him. I dont understand.

I know the spiritual sense of things but right now I dont want to hear it. I just want to cry and vent and scream.

I saw my brother all the time. I want to see him now. WHy did he have to die? Why could he not have received a warning? Why did he have to die? He was trying to change his weight.

I just had lunch with him that SUnday. One of our last conversations was ab out Chipper Jones retiring and his kids nor grandkids would never  need money. He never got to see Chipper's last at bat just 5 days after this conversation. We had been to Braves games together and watched Chipper play. I dont want the memories , I want the nows.

He didnt want to die. He never would have wanted this pain for my parents nor us. Speaking of the pain... What has my family done that has been so bad to have to experience such pain? I just dont undersand... he was only 49.

Today was a hard day at church though he had not been worshipping at our church for 2 years. The memories hit me like a ton of bricks of the the years of him being there... he was there for 47 of his life and 37 of mine. Everywhere I looked there is a memory. Someone who had not seen me walked up and just said... I am sorry about your brother. That sent me into a one hour crying fiasco. I left the church only to walk outside to see the funeral home that shares our parking lot was bringing a body in. That was the funeral home we used. Oh, that didn't help. It made me think of his cold and lifeless body taking the same journey 2.5 weeks ago. It is just not right. I know he is with Jesus but I want him here. I want Christmas and Thanksgivings with him.

Speaking of Christmas. Last year was his last and he was with us, Praise the Lord. He and his wife did not fly to her home until after Christmas last year. We were with him his last Christmas but I was sick and spent most of the day on Vicadin laying down but he was here. Oh How I long for him to be here again. I  know he is happy with Jesus but I am selfish and want him here.

The coming weeks are going to be bad with the business. Some days I put my poker face on and go on and sometimes it is written all over my face....GRIEF!!!

Thanks for letting me vent and not being judgmental.


1 comment:

That corgi :) said...

(((Becky))) I am so sorry. I don't think anyone should be judgmental for you expressing the thoughts you have; it is still so very soon after your brother's passing. Grieving is hard work; I say grieve; don't put that poker face on, allow yourself the tears and the venting you are doing. Wish I could help more; will continue to pray for you and your family.

betty