Christmas

Last night I wanted to post on how I was getting through my 2nd Christmas with my Brother in Heaven and not here on earth. My Computer froze about the time I started typing. I changed to my tablet but cant type well on my tablet which explains my short Merry Christmas post.

I have tried to remember why we celebrate Christmas this season. Tonight , I really dont feel like typing so I will just share with you my two facebook posts the last two days.

• .....enjoying the holidays by making new memories and traditions with family yet keeping some of the old to cherish. Missing my brother but trying to surround myself with Christmas Praise music and dwelling on celebrating our Savior's birth. It is because of Jesus' birth, death, and resurrection we all have the choice to accept him as our personal Savior. When we do we have the joy of knowing we will see our loved ones again in Heaven. I know beyond a doubt my brother was a believer, he showed it every day in his life and his bookstore ministry. As beautiful as some of these songs are, I can only imagine how beautiful Heaven is and what a celebration he is enjoying.I am also thankful for my Dad coming home from the hospital in time for Christmas Eve and the time spent with him and family last night and today. Thank you God for Jesus's birth. Happy Birthday Jesus.

 

•  enjoyed helping serve dinner to the men at the Peninsula Rescue Mission with Forever Friend, Angela Moore , her sister Stacy and Stacy's hubby Giovanni. He cooked steak tacos with fresh salsa, beans, and rice. Very yummy. It is always nice to serve the men having hard times and see them smile. They were so appreciative

Two things I need to explain:

My Dad had several V-Tach episodes during the night Sunday into Monday and was admitted to the hospital. The paramedics and I had a clashing of thoughts in which they will be reported. (Don't come in my house and make me feel stupid for calling you for a man who is a heart patient and could go into cardiac arrest and has been shocked at least 3 times in the last 2 hours by his defibrillator, yes it may be doing its job but its not normal for that many times.  Don't ask him what the hospital can do... they can do more than you or me as to why this is happening... and lastly... don't tell him you are just transportation... you are more than transportation, you have the means to monitor him and perform CPR, if need be. I don't while driving..OK... off my soap box) His doc changed some meds and wanted to keep him until December 25 for observation.. he was having no part of that. 




You may ask, what is a Forever Friend. A Forever Friend has been there for you forever, for her and I its since we were toddlers. We can go months without talking but pick up like we just talked yesterday. I cant label her as best friend because sometimes best friends come and go according to your life circumstances at the time. A forever friend is there for you whenever and forever. I can still remember coming back from a test when I was in the hospital and seeing her at the end of the hall with flowers. Everything happened so fast with me that week that I hadn't even thought to call her. ( She is also my neighbor). Her aunt is a member of my church and had found out and called her parent's house. Her Dad called her and she was at the hospital as soon as she was off. She was not mad I did not call, she was just worried that I was ok. That is a forever friend. I smelled her brother-in-law's grill going. I text her and said, Giovanni is making me hungry. She said, good, join us at the Rescue Mission for dinner and help serve. I did. I am glad too.








  Merry Christmas everybody and remember Christ is Christmas!
 

Merry Christmas!

Family Resemblence

Some family history on who looks like who:

My brother always favored my mother, he is the oldest. I, the youngest, always favored my Dad. My sister, the middle child, did not favor either parent. We always said that she was the milkman's child. However, when I hit puberty, I began to favor her. At 21 , she hated to be told that we looked like twins because I was 13. It was appalling to her. At 48, she loves to be told we look like twins because it means she looks 40 or I look 48, that's scary.

Upon my brother's death,  I really looked hard and could see a huge resemblance in he and I in the eyes ( My Dad's eyes). However, you could not see that he favored my Dad at all even though I did. If you put us all three together ( siblings and me ), you knew we all came from the same gene pool.

All of this to say.... This evening my Dad , who has grown a beard, bent over to tease my cat by blowing on his ears, gave me a huge flashback of my brother. When he puckered with that beard, you may have well have been looking at my brother. It was eery, really.

I miss my brother so much. The holidays are approaching and even though this is our second year of holidays, it does not make it easier.

I don't always get my names straight but I think Luke Bryan wrote a song and sang it at the CMA's in memory of his two siblings that have passed. I tear up just because of the meaning of the song not because of them drinking a beer. This morning the song came on while I was getting ready for school then as soon as I turned the car on at the end of the day. With hearing that song and seeing his reflection in my Dad today made me realize he is always with me in heart and spirit.

Thanks for letting me journal through my grief.

AHHHH!

Please pray for me... It is not serious but comical....We found a great deal on a new laptop today for my Dad.... Well Mom got jealous and wanted one too and they don't share nicely so we had to have 2. Sounds great......NOT FOR ME..... It is Windows Operating System 8 which I know nothing about and you can guess... They know nothing about either. . In the first hour, I decided to change my name, they called it so much. I went from one room to the other for hour. AHHHH!

School is out tomorrow , so I dont work. I am leaving the house and getting as far away from their questions that I can.


PLUS.... I didnt get a new laptop so I am jealous too. :)

Getting old

Three things that have happened recently that have made me realize I am getting old......

We sell books online. Sometimes I have to key in the publishing date. I keyed in 1992. I thought that book is not that old, I graduated in 1991. Then it hits me... that books is 21 years old... It is an old book.

When you see on facebook that a friend who graduated a year behind you is retiring from a 20 year military career. Yep....retiring. WOW, I am old!

Lastly,,,,your ten year old nephew whom it seems like just came into our lives last year is learning about puberty and heading into it....what! He is supposed to be a baby forever and never grow up. :(

Soon I will be saying....back in the olden days or when I was your age I had to walk 3 miles to school up and back in the snow up a hill.....Life goes on.

Lots to say

I have a lot to say and I may get tired and make it part one and part two.

Part One

My brother officially left this earth on a Thursday at 7:30. So on Thursday of last  week, I bought two balloons and went to the grave site with my nephew after school. I went and said my tribute. Then I cried and released the balloon. I asked my nephew if he wanted to say something. His response was that he didn't know what to say. I told him to say what ever is on his heart even if it is just I love you and miss you. He said ok. I asked if he wanted me to stay or walk away. He told me to walk away. I did walk away a few grave sites over. I watched him though. He did say something then walked past the tree my brother is under and released his balloon. I walked up and touched him and he leaned his head into me and sobbed. We both sobbed.

Then we walked over to my uncle's grave, who he had never met. I explained to him he was crazy lady's first husband and his cousin's daddy. We then drove to my grandparent's grave. We looked at it and then I had an idea. We stole a flower from my grandparent's new fall flower arrangement paid for by the crazy lady. We took it to my brother's best friend's grave. He was killed in an accident in 1989 at 21. It was devastating to my brother and our church. We found it. ( I always visit it after my grandparents). My nephew immediately bent over to clean off the headstone. He then laid the flower diagonally across the headstone. It was very touching how precise and careful he was. It was like it was an honor for him to do this for Rob's best friend. I was teary eyed again.

Part Two

Friday rolls around... according the calendar , it is officially a year that day. I had wanted to have a family dinner in his honor. This was shot down by my other sibling who did not want to do anything sad. So we do nothing as a family. She lays around all day with tears and sadness. Her way of grief. My nephew won't play with friends and mopes around outside. I look at him and said his uncle would love that we miss him but he would not be happy with you moping around and not playing ball. So get up, get your ball and go play baseball, your uncle's favorite sport. He did.

Well, I am miserable just sitting around. I wanted to pay honor and have a tribute to his life. HIS LIFE not his death. I came home and told my Mom that we were going to the grave site with a balloon for her and heading out to dinner somewhere. She said, well I was wanting to go to grave site but did not want to go alone. So off we went. She went and said her tribute then released her balloon. We then went out to a Mexican restaurant. You see on Saturday nights before he was married we would eat out every Saturday night and would frequent a Mexican restaurant. So we sit down and I order his favorite Mexican meal.... Nachos Supreme. It was a delicious. Then I came home and had his favorite candy... Peanut M & M's.

Mom said.... I want to make this a tradition. We all miss him but we can't bring him back but we can honor him. Indeed, we did.

A year...

This week marks a year for my brother's passing with October 4 being the official date of death. I believe his spirit was with Jesus before that. It is a hard week.

Someone posted a note on his facebook page in which the person was so regretful for not making things right with him. I am glad I don't have regrets. Yes , we had our moments and got mad at each other but he was my brother and I would have always been there for him no matter how frustrated I could get about some things. .

God gave me a huge gift the Saturday before he passed. We talked off and on for hours just me and him. Not my Mother or his wife there to intervene. It wasn't deep talk but life talk. I also sat across from him that Sunday at the Mexican restaurant and conversed with him . Our last conversation was about Chipper Jone's retiring from the Braves and how he would never have money woes. I wont forget those conversations.

We ended on a positive note. I cant imagine living with regret on how you treated someone. It is my goal to always be the better person... It is hard but it beats regret and it truly shows Christ's love and that is my goal. To leave people with a taste of God. I am struggling with this with one person in particular but I think things are beyond repair with that individual. I do pray for my heart to softened toward this person. It is hard.

 I miss him more than ever. I still look at the pictures and think... He is gone , he is really gone and tear up. My sister was honest in a post yesterday... She said, Lord I pray that you can heal the heart and help me forgive. We have a lot to be angry with but the time needs to come to forgive. The anger is not with him but with circumstances surrounding the death. She, in particular, performed CPR on him but his brain was too damaged at that point.


Please pray for us as we hit this sad milestone.Pray for us to band as a family and grow stronger even though we are weak.

Hmmh

My day....skipped church... what a sinner! My nephew is playing fall ball on a travel team. His team plays on Sundays. I am not for it on Sundays but I am for him. We usually miss the first game if it is 10AM because we go to church. Today his games were 10 and 12. So we decided to play hookie and go to both his games. You see my nephew is the light of my life and we have an awesome bond. Well,  he is also the light of my parent's life. My Dad does nothing else during the week but work on used books and go to doctor's appointments. So if he wants to go to the games, I will see to it he is there because he can not drive anymore and my mom hates the interstate. I know where I am spiritually and will not fall because I miss a Sunday or two. I do miss worship and looked for a local church I could go to this evening. Do you know I could not find one locally that had an evening service? Crazy huh!

The ballgames were in my old work stomping grounds. Only 4 miles from where we had our second store for 4 years. We drove down there to get the best pizza in the area since we are never over on that side of the water. We drove past our old location and there is a consignment shop in there now. I could see something across the parking lot that had the word Jesus on it. So I drove up close to read.... Believe in Jesus , John 3:16. This just warmed my heart but made me want to talk to my brother but he is in Glory and I can't. He would love to see that the building is still being used to reflect God's light. How awesome! I miss him so but this just really warmed my heart today.

Mom and I have been attending the Griefshare bible studies at a local large church. It has been great for us both. I went trying to get her some help but it has helped me too. We have 4 other women in our small group and the facilitator. These women tell me every week what a blessing I am to them. I sit back thinking how and why. I am just here sharing my thoughts. These women have lost their husbands and fathers. It does not matter who we have lost , we all have lost and are grieving. It just amazes me that just based on me sharing my feelings on my grief and despair that it has blessed these women. I guess I should not ask why but just allow God to keep working in their lives and mine.

My blood sugar is way out of whack. My physicians assistant is not so nice. She does not listen to me just tells me how it is. There are some background things she needs to know like she gave me a prescription for a med that has a blackbox warning for both chronic heart failure and bladder cancer. I explained to her I dont like the risks. I have family background for heart problems, I dont need greater risks. She went on to ask if I researched the other things she has me on. I told her I had but they didnt have blackbox warnings nor had such risks. She also asked if I was using compression socks at night that she claims she told me about last visit. She did not and I told her she did not mention them too and she basically called me a liar. If this was not a free clinic , I would go elsewhere. She also took credit for my BP being great. She has done nothing to adjust any meds. I have taken the same meds for 5 years that other doctors put me on she just updated the prescription. Well, all this to say she is sending me to endocrinologist now. Hopefully he will have better bedside manner than she does. Pray for me on this.

Furthermore, I am needing prayers on some life/career/ education decisions. I am ready for change and am praying to be led in the right direction. Also need to get the business situation settled. I am tired of it hanging over my head. Also I feel like God is going to use me in a big way soon. I dont know how but I am open and ready. I pray everyday to be a blessing to someone in my path that day... I also pray for the language of the students not to infiltrate into my head... wow these kids use some bad language. I do try to say,... watch your language a lot and usually they respect that and try but not always. Just keep me in your prayers.

Fighting the depression

I was doing a little better with being down and and depressed.

I received a call about 2 months ago from another Christian retailer asking me to work for her for a week while her entire family took a vacation. I told her I would.

Let me tell you on day one of working there , I was depressed. So much of the stuff reminded me of my brother and made me miss him even more.

What did I learn... I could not have carried the business on without him. He was so much a part of it that it never would have been the same. My heart is not in it anymore without him.

I will be glad tomorrow at 6 PM when it will be my last few minutes there. I dont like this feeling of depression, sadness and unhappiness all the time.

I have been going to bed so early just from being tired and depressed and dont like that either.

You just dont know how much I wanted to call her and say... I just cant do it but I have persevered and followed through with my committment.

Today someone came in and wanted a cd burned and it was the song I requested at my brothers funeral. He then asked us to play it over the speaker system so that he could hear it better. We obliged but within seconds I was hiding in the back balling like a baby, I couldnt help it and I couldnt stop them and I let them flow and flow. 

I have enjoyed seeing a few of our old customers but have not enjoyed the attitudes of so-called Christians again.

So it was a week to know I made the right decision in closing the store and a week to learn I cant work Christian retail anymore and week to learn I cant work retail anymore either.

On a funny note, which believe me , I needed some laughter. The pizza place next door has a real sweet young man working there the last few days when I have placed my lunch order. He asked me how old I was today in conversation and I told him 40. His mouth dropped in disbelief and he said I thought you were 30 at the most. He is my new best friend. Sad,,,, I am old enough to be his momma.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness...It is a hard word if you have been wronged or hurt by someone.

God is really working in my heart with forgiveness with things involved in the death of my brother. It has been over 10 months. There is so much I still want to say to him, nothing bad... I just want to talk to him like I did that Saturday before he died, as a brother and friend. I am happy that I know he is in Heaven and I will see him again one day but I am angry I have to go through the rest of my life here on earth without him. I am dealing with that slowly. Hopefully, I will be in a christian grief course to help sort some of my thoughts.

Back to forgiveness, there is a man in my church who wronged my brother years ago. In fact when my brother was pushing for change in the church, this man flat out told my grandfather that the devil was in our church and he was referring to my brother. My grandfather politely told him it was time to leave after that statement. Well, this man despised my brother on the deacon board because my brother was going against the flow with change and this man did not want change. Fast forward a few years, this man makes peace with my brother but never officially apologized but my brother forgave him anyways. I , however, did not. You wronged my family, you wronged me. This man came up to the hospital and weeped when my brother was there. He came to the funeral and weeped and told my Mom he loved my brother and was devastated. I sat there showing no sympathy. I can be hard... I have my Daddy in me.

Over the past year, this man finally won my forgiveness. He went over and beyond inquiring about my family and especially my Mother with her cancer situation. This man was a shorter man but strong man.. He helped build the church and maintain it through the years but wow was he verbal and opinionated. I did not know but he lives less than a mile from me. I knew he has cancer but he would show up for church here and there looking good . Today as we drove by, something told us to turn around and go see him and his wife. We did. He is now completely bed-ridden and in hospice care. It was so sad to see what was such a strong man, not even be able to sit up in bed. He was so white. I could tell he was tired but he was so happy for us to stop by and see him and his wife. He asked us to pray for God to take him home. I looked at this man and he was far from the man I remember and I had no choice but to continue to forgive him. This time when he recalled memories of my brother , he had nothing but good and loving things to say. It was heart-warming to see the change.

While he was talking and coughing, I prayed a prayer just for him. I prayed this... Dear Lord Jesus, Please take this man out of his earthly misery and let him rest peacefully with you for eternity. Don't let him suffer anymore..AMEN!

I truly meant it. As much as I did not want to forgive this man for years, I did. As much as I sometimes think what comes around goes around,  I could not wish any more pain upon this man.

I felt good when we left.

Now I am still dealing with some issues with the aunt and other members I need to forgive also. I give that to Jesus and pray about it daily.

Standing on the Promises

Standing, standing,
Standing on the promises of God my Savior;
Standing, standing,
I’m standing on the promises of God.


We sang that song tonight at church and I teared up. That is exactly what has gotten me through the last 10 months... God's promise that I will see my brother again. Oh , how I miss him. 

UNexpected

My expectations were met and exceeded today.

I was expecting only 2 children in church and was kind of dreading all I plan for 2 children. I know those 2 children are worth it but I wanted more. I was upset because my nephew wouldnt be there yet again because of baseball. I was already told another child wouldnt be there and I knew a third child wouldnt be there . So I was quite down.

On they way I was thinking about how to make this a review day and that would give me another week to get my act together. Well one child called me this morning and asked if he could get a ride. Ok. that is 3 children. Well I was surprised to have an unexpected 4th child.

I need to remember to rely on God and enjoy the unexpected. It was a great day. 

Little League Games

My little league vent to grown adult men......


GROW UP! The umps call the calls as they see them, not as you see them. I learned this years ago from my brother, who was an umpire. You are not in their view or angle.

Dear 2 grown men on the opposing team..... you were acting like you were a 9 or 10 year old.... well let me say you were acting like a spoiled 5 year old. Even the 9-10 year old players were acting better than you on the calls. The ump had the coaches warn you before you had to be ejected from the stands but you kept running your mouth.

Oh and it was so mature of you to walk behind the opposing team players and say to those boys...."You guys really are playing a great game guys.....Thanks to the umpires"....as you were leaving from being ejected. Wonderful sportsmanship to teach your kids, well oops on my , you didnt act like that in front of your kids. Guess what... the kids learned about sarcasm in school this year so they knew you were being ugly.

Had my nephew told me this sooner, you would have had one angry aunt following behind you running her mouth.... DON'T MESS WITH MY NEPHEW AND HIS TEAM! They won fair and square . The umps made bad calls against us too.

All I have to say...to be acting like that you must be making up for a mighty small......well I will say brain but I dont mean the one in the head.

Bittersweet

I have had a bittersweet weekend. I have watched my nephew play in the AllStars games for his little league age group. They lost game one but it was a double elimination playoff. So they came back to win the next two. The second game he pitched the whole game and was the winning pitcher , YAHHOOO!

The bittersweet part....My brother not being here to see it. I cried Friday night thinking about it. My brother would have loved to have seen this and would have been SOOOOO proud. Oh, I miss him so much.

Tomorrow is game 4 and tonight's game was a nail biter at the end. So if you don't hear from me for awhile , I may be in the hospital with my BP being way too high from the intensity and stress. I take my popcorn to munch on when it gets too stressful.

I randomly selected some pics and didnt look at them but I selected some great shots. I love this kid. 

Thought

I know I said I would be posting more often but then ..... I got addicted to Candy Crush Saga on facebook. I could play for hours and it drives me insane when I get stuck on a certain level too long.


Well the thought I deal with everyday......I cant believe my brother is no longer alive. It still boggles me and I still dont understand. I try to move on and then I laugh about something and feel guilty. I miss him more each day and cant believe I have to go the rest of my life without seeing him again. Death is hard.

I'm back....

I'm back. I have not posted much because my main computer crashed awhile ago. I  have been operating on a mini laptop with a broken keyboard. I hooked up a regular size keyboard to that but it was a cheap one and sticks.

Today I set up my brother's work computer at home. Wow! Things are so much bigger and brighter, not to mention it is a nice keyboard.

So expect lots of posts from me again, I missed it.

WISH

I wish my brother were here to help with the problems.... I miss him so.

God Nudge

This evening I stopped by the local Chinese restaurant to get some House Mei Fun. It is made with a rice noodle and  I love it from this one restaurant. As I was ordering someone came up behind me and interrupted me for his order of two egg rolls. I was mad because I was there first, whine whine whine. This man ordered two egg rolls but when he found out the price , he changed it to one because he didn't have enough money. I ordered mine and when I pulled my money out , I turned so he wouldn't see my money. I had the cash from the business in my pocket too and pulled out the wrong wad. ( Wad of money... ooh I sound rich... my wad was all ones) I stepped away and he went to the restroom. He came out and said... Hey Baby girl, how are you? I said fine but was thinking... who are you to refer to me as baby girl and secondly if you really know my age you would know this baby girl is probably older than you. I stewed for a minute. In the mean time, God SPoke... yep in the middle of my anger and sarcasm, God Spoke. He said, go up there and order that man dinner. I stood there thinking, whatever.... he probably drinks or smokes and has money for that. Did I say... God Spoke. I knew if I didn't listen this time, I would be disobedient. I went up there to where he was standing and asked him if that egg roll was his dinner tonight. He said yes it is, its all I had money for. I said let me buy you some soup and he said no. I said let me buy you chicken wings and he said ok. I then asked if he wanted french fries or fried rice and he said fried rice. He looked at me and asked why I was doing this because the egg roll was enough. I told him God told me to and I don't fight with God. He thanked me and I left. Then I was thinking does he have something to drink. I remembered I had capri-suns in my car. I went in the trunk and got two out and one Gospel of John and a Life Book that I am passing out right now. I asked the couple walking in to give it to him but by then he was walking out. I handed it to him and he asked me again why I was doing this. I told him that God told me to. He asked if he could hug me and I hugged him. He said he loved me and would be at church tomorrow. I told him where mine is but just a general area not specific. I don't think he will be at my church then it makes me wonder if he will beg if he does. I don't know why this happened and let me tell you this was very rare for me. He did not appear grungy or smelly. I don't know his life or situation. He did tell me he was homeless now. I know God told me to feed him and I did in more than one way...physical food, emotional food with the hug and spiritual food with the books. I let knowing I had blessed him and felt Iwas blessed too. He saw me drive off and stopped , stooped and waved. What impressed me in this all... he never asked for money even for the .63 cents he was short for the egg rolls. I have to trust God with his nudge that this man needed a little bit of love and encouragement tonight.... I almost didn't go to this restaurant tonight because I don't like this parking lot alone at night but God was watching and in control.

thoughts...

I just want to remind my two blog readers that this blog is my thoughts. I dont worry about grammar, sentence structure,quotations or anything else in the english etiquette. I have things on my mind and sometimes my mind goes faster than my fingers when typing. I know proper English and etiquette and if I were writing a professional paper , it would be correct. But as for my blog...its just that my blog thoughts. I also know how to spell and in every day life that is my pet peeve, on here... I DONT CARE!

Nobody has complained.... just explaining.

I will admit, Icant type worth anything and failed typing in high school. So sometimes I just blame that and my sorry keyboard too.

If the Popo had pulled me....

If the PoPo had pulled me Friday for speeding and reckless driving, they would have had a problem and a chase. Well a chase at least to my nephew's private christian school. Now that would have been on the news.

You see, I have taken the month off from subbing to concentrate on closing the business down. Only thing is I had to work three days to keep my name active in the system. So I chose three days at a 3 PM release school with a teacher that had a student teacher so it would be stress free. This meant the two days we had my nephew, I could not pick him up because he gets out at 3 PM too.

Friday morning on my break, I called the store to remind my Mom to get munchkin at 3. She was busy at the moment and could not talk. I told her best friend, who did tell her. I get out of school at 3:10 and go straight to the store and arrive at 3:18 in which I see my Mom's van. I thought hmmh, Munchkin's Daddy must have gotten off early and picked him up. I walked to the back and said Mom, do we not have Munchkin today? HUHHHH WHAT? WHAT TIME IS IT? OHHH CRAP! I forgot about him. I take off running out the store and yell for my mom to call the school.

This is when the Popo possibility starts. I drove like a bat out of well, you know where. My cousin was driving by as I was running to the car and beeped. I had to get in the car, start it, pull out and wait on traffic to pull out. I caught up with him and passed him. When I did pass him . he gave me this weird look. I was a speed demon and a lane changing jerk.I had to go past the grave sites which always has a funeral at this time of day which means the popo are near too. I kept speeding while thinking. Popo if you follow me you just going to have to catch me at the school parking lot. I am late and in a hurry.

Praise the Lord, I was in the clear today. I walked briskly to the office then down to the cafeteria where they had him in after school care. He was fine but I was afraid he would be scared and upset. This happened one other time years ago in a mix-up and he sat in the hall and cried. That would break my heart. He looked at me reluctantly like, why did you get here so fast, I was having fun. I hugged him and signed him out. Then he looked at me and said.... WHY DID YOU FORGET ME TODAY? I looked at him and said...BLAME YOUR NANNY I WAS AT SCHOOL!

I have thought long and hard about his statement of forgetting him. I am going to explain that we never forget about him that Nanny just lost track of time. How could we ever forget about him... NEVER!

So if you ever read the news about a car chase ending in a church parking lot... It just might be me because someone lost track of time.

Would have been 50

Today was a hard day. My sister and her family came over for dinner to brighten things and face it together. Here is my facebook post.

It is the eve of your birthday. I thought I could be strong but the tears keep flowing. You would have been 50 tomorrow. I thank about what we would have done as a family to celebrate. I remember your 40th so clearly celebrating with friends at the store and all the over the hill gifts. Next month is my 40th and I wish you could be here to celebrate with me. I miss you so much Rob and think you would have been proud of me closing the store with integrity and allowing for goodbyes. It has been heart breaking not having you here to help. I love you, miss you and always will.

This is him years ago in his van I named the Scooby Mobile. I miss that smile. I miss him.

surgery

My Mom's surgery was a success. They got the cancer,so they say, and some calcified tissue around it. They biopsied her toe also because of a weird spot. She did good until she woke up. She was very emotional. We walked in and she was balling and saying... Robert is dead. Robert is dead.She had me crying and I couldnt stop the tears for about 20 minutes.I had already had a moment earlier when out of instinct, I thought ... I need to call Rob. I fought tears for awhile after that thought.

Please continue to pray. She starts radiation in a few weeks.


On a lighter note, when I get a working keyboard, I will share more memories of my brother.

Prayer Request

Please pray for my mom as she undergoes a lumpectomy tomorrow to remove stage zero breast cancer. Please continue to pray for her as she starts 4-6 weeks of radiation shortly after the surgery.

My Song

The song that gets me through my tough days...

Flood by Jars of Clay

Rain, rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud

Chorus:


But if I can't swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again


Downpour on my soul
Splashing in the ocean, I'm losing control
Dark sky all around
I can't feel my feet touching the ground


[Chorus]


Calm the storms that drench my eyes
Dry the streams still flowing
Cast down all the waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me


[Chorus]


Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

When it rains it pours

As I have pressed on during the last four months of dealing with my brother's death and the responsibilities of the business, I have only succeeded by my faith in God.

I dont understand the reasons, I dont understand the pain. I dont understand the trials and tribulations that keep coming. I just dont understand.

What I do understand is that I would not have survived without God. I know he holds me in his hand and is my guide. It is not easy but I know he holds my future.

The trials keep coming.

What trials you ask?

Closing the bookstore and praying for a buyer of the books to releieve that stress.

My Dads eyes diagnosis.

My own diagnosis that now requires me to take insulin,

Now.... my moms diagnosis of stage zero breast cancer. They have caught it early but it is still cancer.

We will survive. We will continue on and fight with what is left of our family. We  will continue to cling to our faith.

Let me tell you though how God works..... I was recommended by my cancer specialists to have a mammogram just based on some past history of pre-cancer. I dont have medical insurance. He gave me the name of an organization to call. Well we played phone tag all summer. Suddenly in November, I get a letter from them that I am scheduled for a mammogram on such and such date in DEcember. I went and was scared. After losing my brother, I was determined I had cancer and was going to die too. Well mine came out ok. My Mom in turn had put off her yearly mammogram for 2 years. Me going for mine encouraged her to schedule hers this year. Well she went and they have found this early. Praise the Lord for that little nudge that made her go get one done right away. Before she even knew her diagnosis, she encouraged her best friend to go get one , who at 70 has never had one. She has not had it yet but is scheduled for one.

While, I am babbling, let me tell you about her best friend. The two of them have been friends for over 50 years.... read that Jen....50 years. They may go months without talking because of busy lives but pick back up like they talked yesterday. Her best friend found out that my Mom was working alone some days because of me having to work and our other employee having another job. Prior to my brother's death, she worked with him all day. Now on certain days there was no one but her. Her best friend found out and has been at the store everyday but Wednesdays just to support my mom with no pay. I have taken off most Wednesdays to be at the store. I mean she is an awesome friend.

Needless to say, this post included a lot of prayer requests that I dont need to repeat. There is one additional one right now.... My sister who is really struggling with God right now on the timing of all these things.

Clinging to the Almighty!

Prayer Requests...

I cant give details at this time but I have a few serious prayer requests...

• My Mom's health
• My Dad's health and eye sight, he was just diagnosed with maculate degeneration
• Our bookstore , closing or possible sale,,,the sale would be a blessing
• My blood sugar levels
• My stress level
• My whole family as we process, adjust and mourn

Easily Discouraged

I have not posted much about the personal and corporate mess that I have been left with .

Today I did learn how easily you can get discouraged and give up when things seem unreachable. My brother did just that when he got into a little trouble a few years ago. A little amount becomes huge in a short period with penalties, fees, and interest.

I have been paying diligently over and beyond on a small tax matter that I inherited. Well, I didn't inherit it, it was always in my name I just was not aware of the situation. That in itself is about three days worth of blogging. Anyhow, I thought I was in the final stretch and thought I could pay the final amount off next week only to discover that in that three months an additional $600 accumulated in fees, interest and penalties. Honestly , its crazy.

I can understand whopping into someone who just refused to pay and is refusing to pay but for someone diligently paying over and beyond to get whopped more......It is really discouraging.  I used to look at people who didn't pay their taxes and think...STUPID but now I see, I feel and I understand. One oops or one month of simple forgetfulness can add up real quick. For confession reasons... this was way over a month for my bill, I don't want to be misleading. On the defense note.... they were filed and the monthly amount wasn't much....its the penalties, interest and fees that kill you.

Now ask me why I don't want to own and run my own business.... My forgetfulness and mistakes would cost me way too much.

Substitute Funny

I dont post too often about my job as a substitute teacher, hey... I have not posted much at all lately anyways.


Ok... Well the teacher did not leave me an attendance sheet for my 5th period class Friday. I sent around a sign-in sheet to turn into the attendance office. It went around the room and was returned to me. I counted the number and it was accurate with the students in attendance. Well because I help in the attendance office a lot, I decided to check the readability of the names. You can imagine my laugh as I saw the following.... Chicken, Chris P....My first thought is... wow never seen that last name before. I put it down and came back to it and put it together... Chris P. Chicken........HAHAHAH! joke on the sub... I had to say that even I was laughing when I asked who was using the alias... Chris P Chicken today....

Oh the things I go through.