Three things that have happened recently that have made me realize I am getting old......
We sell books online. Sometimes I have to key in the publishing date. I keyed in 1992. I thought that book is not that old, I graduated in 1991. Then it hits me... that books is 21 years old... It is an old book.
When you see on facebook that a friend who graduated a year behind you is retiring from a 20 year military career. Yep....retiring. WOW, I am old!
Lastly,,,,your ten year old nephew whom it seems like just came into our lives last year is learning about puberty and heading into it....what! He is supposed to be a baby forever and never grow up. :(
Soon I will be saying....back in the olden days or when I was your age I had to walk 3 miles to school up and back in the snow up a hill.....Life goes on.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Lots to say
I have a lot to say and I may get tired and make it part one and part two.
Part One
My brother officially left this earth on a Thursday at 7:30. So on Thursday of last week, I bought two balloons and went to the grave site with my nephew after school. I went and said my tribute. Then I cried and released the balloon. I asked my nephew if he wanted to say something. His response was that he didn't know what to say. I told him to say what ever is on his heart even if it is just I love you and miss you. He said ok. I asked if he wanted me to stay or walk away. He told me to walk away. I did walk away a few grave sites over. I watched him though. He did say something then walked past the tree my brother is under and released his balloon. I walked up and touched him and he leaned his head into me and sobbed. We both sobbed.
Then we walked over to my uncle's grave, who he had never met. I explained to him he was crazy lady's first husband and his cousin's daddy. We then drove to my grandparent's grave. We looked at it and then I had an idea. We stole a flower from my grandparent's new fall flower arrangement paid for by the crazy lady. We took it to my brother's best friend's grave. He was killed in an accident in 1989 at 21. It was devastating to my brother and our church. We found it. ( I always visit it after my grandparents). My nephew immediately bent over to clean off the headstone. He then laid the flower diagonally across the headstone. It was very touching how precise and careful he was. It was like it was an honor for him to do this for Rob's best friend. I was teary eyed again.
Part Two
Friday rolls around... according the calendar , it is officially a year that day. I had wanted to have a family dinner in his honor. This was shot down by my other sibling who did not want to do anything sad. So we do nothing as a family. She lays around all day with tears and sadness. Her way of grief. My nephew won't play with friends and mopes around outside. I look at him and said his uncle would love that we miss him but he would not be happy with you moping around and not playing ball. So get up, get your ball and go play baseball, your uncle's favorite sport. He did.
Well, I am miserable just sitting around. I wanted to pay honor and have a tribute to his life. HIS LIFE not his death. I came home and told my Mom that we were going to the grave site with a balloon for her and heading out to dinner somewhere. She said, well I was wanting to go to grave site but did not want to go alone. So off we went. She went and said her tribute then released her balloon. We then went out to a Mexican restaurant. You see on Saturday nights before he was married we would eat out every Saturday night and would frequent a Mexican restaurant. So we sit down and I order his favorite Mexican meal.... Nachos Supreme. It was a delicious. Then I came home and had his favorite candy... Peanut M & M's.
Mom said.... I want to make this a tradition. We all miss him but we can't bring him back but we can honor him. Indeed, we did.
Part One
My brother officially left this earth on a Thursday at 7:30. So on Thursday of last week, I bought two balloons and went to the grave site with my nephew after school. I went and said my tribute. Then I cried and released the balloon. I asked my nephew if he wanted to say something. His response was that he didn't know what to say. I told him to say what ever is on his heart even if it is just I love you and miss you. He said ok. I asked if he wanted me to stay or walk away. He told me to walk away. I did walk away a few grave sites over. I watched him though. He did say something then walked past the tree my brother is under and released his balloon. I walked up and touched him and he leaned his head into me and sobbed. We both sobbed.
Then we walked over to my uncle's grave, who he had never met. I explained to him he was crazy lady's first husband and his cousin's daddy. We then drove to my grandparent's grave. We looked at it and then I had an idea. We stole a flower from my grandparent's new fall flower arrangement paid for by the crazy lady. We took it to my brother's best friend's grave. He was killed in an accident in 1989 at 21. It was devastating to my brother and our church. We found it. ( I always visit it after my grandparents). My nephew immediately bent over to clean off the headstone. He then laid the flower diagonally across the headstone. It was very touching how precise and careful he was. It was like it was an honor for him to do this for Rob's best friend. I was teary eyed again.
Part Two
Friday rolls around... according the calendar , it is officially a year that day. I had wanted to have a family dinner in his honor. This was shot down by my other sibling who did not want to do anything sad. So we do nothing as a family. She lays around all day with tears and sadness. Her way of grief. My nephew won't play with friends and mopes around outside. I look at him and said his uncle would love that we miss him but he would not be happy with you moping around and not playing ball. So get up, get your ball and go play baseball, your uncle's favorite sport. He did.
Well, I am miserable just sitting around. I wanted to pay honor and have a tribute to his life. HIS LIFE not his death. I came home and told my Mom that we were going to the grave site with a balloon for her and heading out to dinner somewhere. She said, well I was wanting to go to grave site but did not want to go alone. So off we went. She went and said her tribute then released her balloon. We then went out to a Mexican restaurant. You see on Saturday nights before he was married we would eat out every Saturday night and would frequent a Mexican restaurant. So we sit down and I order his favorite Mexican meal.... Nachos Supreme. It was a delicious. Then I came home and had his favorite candy... Peanut M & M's.
Mom said.... I want to make this a tradition. We all miss him but we can't bring him back but we can honor him. Indeed, we did.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
A year...
This week marks a year for my brother's passing with October 4 being the official date of death. I believe his spirit was with Jesus before that. It is a hard week.
Someone posted a note on his facebook page in which the person was so regretful for not making things right with him. I am glad I don't have regrets. Yes , we had our moments and got mad at each other but he was my brother and I would have always been there for him no matter how frustrated I could get about some things. .
God gave me a huge gift the Saturday before he passed. We talked off and on for hours just me and him. Not my Mother or his wife there to intervene. It wasn't deep talk but life talk. I also sat across from him that Sunday at the Mexican restaurant and conversed with him . Our last conversation was about Chipper Jone's retiring from the Braves and how he would never have money woes. I wont forget those conversations.
We ended on a positive note. I cant imagine living with regret on how you treated someone. It is my goal to always be the better person... It is hard but it beats regret and it truly shows Christ's love and that is my goal. To leave people with a taste of God. I am struggling with this with one person in particular but I think things are beyond repair with that individual. I do pray for my heart to softened toward this person. It is hard.
I miss him more than ever. I still look at the pictures and think... He is gone , he is really gone and tear up. My sister was honest in a post yesterday... She said, Lord I pray that you can heal the heart and help me forgive. We have a lot to be angry with but the time needs to come to forgive. The anger is not with him but with circumstances surrounding the death. She, in particular, performed CPR on him but his brain was too damaged at that point.
Please pray for us as we hit this sad milestone.Pray for us to band as a family and grow stronger even though we are weak.
Someone posted a note on his facebook page in which the person was so regretful for not making things right with him. I am glad I don't have regrets. Yes , we had our moments and got mad at each other but he was my brother and I would have always been there for him no matter how frustrated I could get about some things. .
God gave me a huge gift the Saturday before he passed. We talked off and on for hours just me and him. Not my Mother or his wife there to intervene. It wasn't deep talk but life talk. I also sat across from him that Sunday at the Mexican restaurant and conversed with him . Our last conversation was about Chipper Jone's retiring from the Braves and how he would never have money woes. I wont forget those conversations.
We ended on a positive note. I cant imagine living with regret on how you treated someone. It is my goal to always be the better person... It is hard but it beats regret and it truly shows Christ's love and that is my goal. To leave people with a taste of God. I am struggling with this with one person in particular but I think things are beyond repair with that individual. I do pray for my heart to softened toward this person. It is hard.
I miss him more than ever. I still look at the pictures and think... He is gone , he is really gone and tear up. My sister was honest in a post yesterday... She said, Lord I pray that you can heal the heart and help me forgive. We have a lot to be angry with but the time needs to come to forgive. The anger is not with him but with circumstances surrounding the death. She, in particular, performed CPR on him but his brain was too damaged at that point.
Please pray for us as we hit this sad milestone.Pray for us to band as a family and grow stronger even though we are weak.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Hmmh
My day....skipped church... what a sinner! My nephew is playing fall ball on a travel team. His team plays on Sundays. I am not for it on Sundays but I am for him. We usually miss the first game if it is 10AM because we go to church. Today his games were 10 and 12. So we decided to play hookie and go to both his games. You see my nephew is the light of my life and we have an awesome bond. Well, he is also the light of my parent's life. My Dad does nothing else during the week but work on used books and go to doctor's appointments. So if he wants to go to the games, I will see to it he is there because he can not drive anymore and my mom hates the interstate. I know where I am spiritually and will not fall because I miss a Sunday or two. I do miss worship and looked for a local church I could go to this evening. Do you know I could not find one locally that had an evening service? Crazy huh!
The ballgames were in my old work stomping grounds. Only 4 miles from where we had our second store for 4 years. We drove down there to get the best pizza in the area since we are never over on that side of the water. We drove past our old location and there is a consignment shop in there now. I could see something across the parking lot that had the word Jesus on it. So I drove up close to read.... Believe in Jesus , John 3:16. This just warmed my heart but made me want to talk to my brother but he is in Glory and I can't. He would love to see that the building is still being used to reflect God's light. How awesome! I miss him so but this just really warmed my heart today.
Mom and I have been attending the Griefshare bible studies at a local large church. It has been great for us both. I went trying to get her some help but it has helped me too. We have 4 other women in our small group and the facilitator. These women tell me every week what a blessing I am to them. I sit back thinking how and why. I am just here sharing my thoughts. These women have lost their husbands and fathers. It does not matter who we have lost , we all have lost and are grieving. It just amazes me that just based on me sharing my feelings on my grief and despair that it has blessed these women. I guess I should not ask why but just allow God to keep working in their lives and mine.
My blood sugar is way out of whack. My physicians assistant is not so nice. She does not listen to me just tells me how it is. There are some background things she needs to know like she gave me a prescription for a med that has a blackbox warning for both chronic heart failure and bladder cancer. I explained to her I dont like the risks. I have family background for heart problems, I dont need greater risks. She went on to ask if I researched the other things she has me on. I told her I had but they didnt have blackbox warnings nor had such risks. She also asked if I was using compression socks at night that she claims she told me about last visit. She did not and I told her she did not mention them too and she basically called me a liar. If this was not a free clinic , I would go elsewhere. She also took credit for my BP being great. She has done nothing to adjust any meds. I have taken the same meds for 5 years that other doctors put me on she just updated the prescription. Well, all this to say she is sending me to endocrinologist now. Hopefully he will have better bedside manner than she does. Pray for me on this.
Furthermore, I am needing prayers on some life/career/ education decisions. I am ready for change and am praying to be led in the right direction. Also need to get the business situation settled. I am tired of it hanging over my head. Also I feel like God is going to use me in a big way soon. I dont know how but I am open and ready. I pray everyday to be a blessing to someone in my path that day... I also pray for the language of the students not to infiltrate into my head... wow these kids use some bad language. I do try to say,... watch your language a lot and usually they respect that and try but not always. Just keep me in your prayers.
The ballgames were in my old work stomping grounds. Only 4 miles from where we had our second store for 4 years. We drove down there to get the best pizza in the area since we are never over on that side of the water. We drove past our old location and there is a consignment shop in there now. I could see something across the parking lot that had the word Jesus on it. So I drove up close to read.... Believe in Jesus , John 3:16. This just warmed my heart but made me want to talk to my brother but he is in Glory and I can't. He would love to see that the building is still being used to reflect God's light. How awesome! I miss him so but this just really warmed my heart today.
Mom and I have been attending the Griefshare bible studies at a local large church. It has been great for us both. I went trying to get her some help but it has helped me too. We have 4 other women in our small group and the facilitator. These women tell me every week what a blessing I am to them. I sit back thinking how and why. I am just here sharing my thoughts. These women have lost their husbands and fathers. It does not matter who we have lost , we all have lost and are grieving. It just amazes me that just based on me sharing my feelings on my grief and despair that it has blessed these women. I guess I should not ask why but just allow God to keep working in their lives and mine.
My blood sugar is way out of whack. My physicians assistant is not so nice. She does not listen to me just tells me how it is. There are some background things she needs to know like she gave me a prescription for a med that has a blackbox warning for both chronic heart failure and bladder cancer. I explained to her I dont like the risks. I have family background for heart problems, I dont need greater risks. She went on to ask if I researched the other things she has me on. I told her I had but they didnt have blackbox warnings nor had such risks. She also asked if I was using compression socks at night that she claims she told me about last visit. She did not and I told her she did not mention them too and she basically called me a liar. If this was not a free clinic , I would go elsewhere. She also took credit for my BP being great. She has done nothing to adjust any meds. I have taken the same meds for 5 years that other doctors put me on she just updated the prescription. Well, all this to say she is sending me to endocrinologist now. Hopefully he will have better bedside manner than she does. Pray for me on this.
Furthermore, I am needing prayers on some life/career/ education decisions. I am ready for change and am praying to be led in the right direction. Also need to get the business situation settled. I am tired of it hanging over my head. Also I feel like God is going to use me in a big way soon. I dont know how but I am open and ready. I pray everyday to be a blessing to someone in my path that day... I also pray for the language of the students not to infiltrate into my head... wow these kids use some bad language. I do try to say,... watch your language a lot and usually they respect that and try but not always. Just keep me in your prayers.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Fighting the depression
I was doing a little better with being down and and depressed.
I received a call about 2 months ago from another Christian retailer asking me to work for her for a week while her entire family took a vacation. I told her I would.
Let me tell you on day one of working there , I was depressed. So much of the stuff reminded me of my brother and made me miss him even more.
What did I learn... I could not have carried the business on without him. He was so much a part of it that it never would have been the same. My heart is not in it anymore without him.
I will be glad tomorrow at 6 PM when it will be my last few minutes there. I dont like this feeling of depression, sadness and unhappiness all the time.
I have been going to bed so early just from being tired and depressed and dont like that either.
You just dont know how much I wanted to call her and say... I just cant do it but I have persevered and followed through with my committment.
Today someone came in and wanted a cd burned and it was the song I requested at my brothers funeral. He then asked us to play it over the speaker system so that he could hear it better. We obliged but within seconds I was hiding in the back balling like a baby, I couldnt help it and I couldnt stop them and I let them flow and flow.
I have enjoyed seeing a few of our old customers but have not enjoyed the attitudes of so-called Christians again.
So it was a week to know I made the right decision in closing the store and a week to learn I cant work Christian retail anymore and week to learn I cant work retail anymore either.
On a funny note, which believe me , I needed some laughter. The pizza place next door has a real sweet young man working there the last few days when I have placed my lunch order. He asked me how old I was today in conversation and I told him 40. His mouth dropped in disbelief and he said I thought you were 30 at the most. He is my new best friend. Sad,,,, I am old enough to be his momma.
I received a call about 2 months ago from another Christian retailer asking me to work for her for a week while her entire family took a vacation. I told her I would.
Let me tell you on day one of working there , I was depressed. So much of the stuff reminded me of my brother and made me miss him even more.
What did I learn... I could not have carried the business on without him. He was so much a part of it that it never would have been the same. My heart is not in it anymore without him.
I will be glad tomorrow at 6 PM when it will be my last few minutes there. I dont like this feeling of depression, sadness and unhappiness all the time.
I have been going to bed so early just from being tired and depressed and dont like that either.
You just dont know how much I wanted to call her and say... I just cant do it but I have persevered and followed through with my committment.
Today someone came in and wanted a cd burned and it was the song I requested at my brothers funeral. He then asked us to play it over the speaker system so that he could hear it better. We obliged but within seconds I was hiding in the back balling like a baby, I couldnt help it and I couldnt stop them and I let them flow and flow.
I have enjoyed seeing a few of our old customers but have not enjoyed the attitudes of so-called Christians again.
So it was a week to know I made the right decision in closing the store and a week to learn I cant work Christian retail anymore and week to learn I cant work retail anymore either.
On a funny note, which believe me , I needed some laughter. The pizza place next door has a real sweet young man working there the last few days when I have placed my lunch order. He asked me how old I was today in conversation and I told him 40. His mouth dropped in disbelief and he said I thought you were 30 at the most. He is my new best friend. Sad,,,, I am old enough to be his momma.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Forgiveness
Forgiveness...It is a hard word if you have been wronged or hurt by someone.
God is really working in my heart with forgiveness with things involved in the death of my brother. It has been over 10 months. There is so much I still want to say to him, nothing bad... I just want to talk to him like I did that Saturday before he died, as a brother and friend. I am happy that I know he is in Heaven and I will see him again one day but I am angry I have to go through the rest of my life here on earth without him. I am dealing with that slowly. Hopefully, I will be in a christian grief course to help sort some of my thoughts.
Back to forgiveness, there is a man in my church who wronged my brother years ago. In fact when my brother was pushing for change in the church, this man flat out told my grandfather that the devil was in our church and he was referring to my brother. My grandfather politely told him it was time to leave after that statement. Well, this man despised my brother on the deacon board because my brother was going against the flow with change and this man did not want change. Fast forward a few years, this man makes peace with my brother but never officially apologized but my brother forgave him anyways. I , however, did not. You wronged my family, you wronged me. This man came up to the hospital and weeped when my brother was there. He came to the funeral and weeped and told my Mom he loved my brother and was devastated. I sat there showing no sympathy. I can be hard... I have my Daddy in me.
Over the past year, this man finally won my forgiveness. He went over and beyond inquiring about my family and especially my Mother with her cancer situation. This man was a shorter man but strong man.. He helped build the church and maintain it through the years but wow was he verbal and opinionated. I did not know but he lives less than a mile from me. I knew he has cancer but he would show up for church here and there looking good . Today as we drove by, something told us to turn around and go see him and his wife. We did. He is now completely bed-ridden and in hospice care. It was so sad to see what was such a strong man, not even be able to sit up in bed. He was so white. I could tell he was tired but he was so happy for us to stop by and see him and his wife. He asked us to pray for God to take him home. I looked at this man and he was far from the man I remember and I had no choice but to continue to forgive him. This time when he recalled memories of my brother , he had nothing but good and loving things to say. It was heart-warming to see the change.
While he was talking and coughing, I prayed a prayer just for him. I prayed this... Dear Lord Jesus, Please take this man out of his earthly misery and let him rest peacefully with you for eternity. Don't let him suffer anymore..AMEN!
I truly meant it. As much as I did not want to forgive this man for years, I did. As much as I sometimes think what comes around goes around, I could not wish any more pain upon this man.
I felt good when we left.
Now I am still dealing with some issues with the aunt and other members I need to forgive also. I give that to Jesus and pray about it daily.
God is really working in my heart with forgiveness with things involved in the death of my brother. It has been over 10 months. There is so much I still want to say to him, nothing bad... I just want to talk to him like I did that Saturday before he died, as a brother and friend. I am happy that I know he is in Heaven and I will see him again one day but I am angry I have to go through the rest of my life here on earth without him. I am dealing with that slowly. Hopefully, I will be in a christian grief course to help sort some of my thoughts.
Back to forgiveness, there is a man in my church who wronged my brother years ago. In fact when my brother was pushing for change in the church, this man flat out told my grandfather that the devil was in our church and he was referring to my brother. My grandfather politely told him it was time to leave after that statement. Well, this man despised my brother on the deacon board because my brother was going against the flow with change and this man did not want change. Fast forward a few years, this man makes peace with my brother but never officially apologized but my brother forgave him anyways. I , however, did not. You wronged my family, you wronged me. This man came up to the hospital and weeped when my brother was there. He came to the funeral and weeped and told my Mom he loved my brother and was devastated. I sat there showing no sympathy. I can be hard... I have my Daddy in me.
Over the past year, this man finally won my forgiveness. He went over and beyond inquiring about my family and especially my Mother with her cancer situation. This man was a shorter man but strong man.. He helped build the church and maintain it through the years but wow was he verbal and opinionated. I did not know but he lives less than a mile from me. I knew he has cancer but he would show up for church here and there looking good . Today as we drove by, something told us to turn around and go see him and his wife. We did. He is now completely bed-ridden and in hospice care. It was so sad to see what was such a strong man, not even be able to sit up in bed. He was so white. I could tell he was tired but he was so happy for us to stop by and see him and his wife. He asked us to pray for God to take him home. I looked at this man and he was far from the man I remember and I had no choice but to continue to forgive him. This time when he recalled memories of my brother , he had nothing but good and loving things to say. It was heart-warming to see the change.
While he was talking and coughing, I prayed a prayer just for him. I prayed this... Dear Lord Jesus, Please take this man out of his earthly misery and let him rest peacefully with you for eternity. Don't let him suffer anymore..AMEN!
I truly meant it. As much as I did not want to forgive this man for years, I did. As much as I sometimes think what comes around goes around, I could not wish any more pain upon this man.
I felt good when we left.
Now I am still dealing with some issues with the aunt and other members I need to forgive also. I give that to Jesus and pray about it daily.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Standing on the Promises
Standing, standing,
Standing on the promises of God my Savior;
Standing, standing,
I’m standing on the promises of God.
We sang that song tonight at church and I teared up. That is exactly what has gotten me through the last 10 months... God's promise that I will see my brother again. Oh , how I miss him.
Standing on the promises of God my Savior;
Standing, standing,
I’m standing on the promises of God.
We sang that song tonight at church and I teared up. That is exactly what has gotten me through the last 10 months... God's promise that I will see my brother again. Oh , how I miss him.
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