Birthdays

Today was the beginning of birthday season for us. This was the sad one that we tried to make good. It is my brother's birthday.

I cried when I saw some people posting on his facebook page and what they had to say. I cried when I came home and looked at his page again.

After school, Mom and I met my sister and nephew at my brother's gravesite. I bought 4 balloons and we released them one at a time. Three flew higher and higher. Mine did not. It got stuck in the nearest tree. We waited and waited for it to break loose. It never did. I told my Mom and Sister that it was God telling us that my brother still lives in our memories and hearts here on earth. ( I typed all this without crying until now and to be down right honest. I dont want him to live in my memories and heart. I WANT HIM HERE ON EARTH WITH US! A piece of us is gone forever. It is the truth,,, I know all the spiritual answers. If I told you we were fine , I would be lying. We miss him dearly and have to move forward with our New Normal. DO we like the New Normal.....no but we have to get used to it.) Don't ever say that I am not honest... cause that side note is straight from the heart.

My nephew asked me if they were coming over for dinner tonight like last year. I had forgotten all about that but he didn't. My sister wasn't feeling well and wanted to go home. Mom and I went to a mexican restaurant...the same chain but different location of our last lunch together before he died. Evidently, the dinner meant something to my nephew and she text me to say next year we need to have dinner to celebrate Rob's life and keep his memory alive for my nephew. So Mom and I both ordered my brother's favorite dish which was Nachos Supreme. We ate in his memory.

Just so you know this March 4 was 17 months since he left us. I still look at his picture and ask for the nightmare to end. It is still hard to realize he is gone. Ok... the tears are coming again. I want to end on a postive celebration.....

God Gave my Parents 49 years
God Gave my Sister  47 years
God Gave me 39 years
God Gave my nephew 9 years

of being Blessed with My Brother's Presence and Life.

Thank you God for that Gift.......
.................
but I would have liked a lot more ... me being selfish .

Til we meet again.

It's empty

Have you ever tried to explain something to someone and break it down as simple as you possibly can? You try again. You do everything but give the answer. Then you finally look at the person and it dawns on you. There really is nothing up there in the space that holds the brain. I am not being ugly but truthful. It is empty, it has checked out. There is nothing there. Oh, it looks pretty but really there is nothing there. I truly had that moment today. Then I have to admit after spending my energy breaking it down that I truly had checked out and there was nothing there.

the things I could talk about

If I had the time and energy... I could tell you some stories. Things that involve me directly and things that involve me indirectly.

I cant give specifics but I was working when someone walked in late and walked past me. As he walked past me , the scent blew me away. It was not body odor. It was a familiar scent but not from me personally. It was a scent from riding the bus in high school. The kids in the back smoked some things but back then it was called by a street name and not by the medicinal name it is today. I came home one day and my mom said... what do you smell like. I said...oh , only  ________. They smoke it on the bus. Let me tell you within a few weeks of turning 16, I had a car to drive and did not have to ride that bus anymore.

So this student walked past me and I could get high too, it was that strong. I chuckled. Well, it took a few minutes for the other authoritative figure to catch on but she did. She told the guy to go spray himself down. Well, he did .... with Disinfectant Spray....Now talk about a combination! This time I could get high and kill all my germs at the same time.

Oh the life....

Confession....

I must confess that during my second round of Griefshare Bible Study that the videos bore me. I have seen them once and the second time around, they plain bore me. I go because I enjoy the big group leader's lectures and the small group discussions.

I must confess that tonight, I took a book to read during the videos. I sat in the back and read while the video played. I did look up a few times and fake paying attention.

What was so funny.... I have the sniffles from my allergies . So everyone in front of me though I was being emotional during the video. One person even asked me when I was looking up if I needed tissues because she knows it was an emotional video.

What is also funny....I had no idea that people thought I was crying until my Mom told me at the end of the night.....

Sometimes you just need a laugh.... All those people thought I was paying attention.

Getting healthy

I am trying to take control of my body again. My diabetic meds have been increased because my blood sugar levels are everywhere.

January 3 was the last time I had a soda of my own. I will confess I have had a few sips of my nephew's soda but only a few sips and literally sips. This is getting easier because now that I am not drinking soda, he chooses non-carbonated beverages too. Tonight during the Super Bowl, I ate some chips. Oh boy,, did I want a soda but I continued to drink water.

I am working on just a few things at a time. My first was sodas and increasing my exercise. I joined the Y a few weeks ago and am taking advantage of it. It has not been that hard because I have not been on a regular schedule in a few weeks thanks to the weather and school being out for road conditions and teacher workdays. I have one day in the next two week pay period... That is going to hurt. In the mean time I went to the Y almost everyday that the roads would allow it. I actually feel bad and guilty if I dont get at least a 30 minute workout in now.

The month if January my fitness minutes were 510. That was not bad considering I did not start until week 2 of January and the wonderful snow we have had the past two weeks. That 510 minutes is just cardio. It does not count any strength training which I try to do 5-15 minutes after my cardio,

Tomorrow I get bloodwork drawn to find out if my numbers have dropped for January... I hope so.

Randomness

• Super Bowl makes me miss my brother. So many memories of watching together. I used to think it was ok to talk during commercials. I learned real quick from him that you did not talk whatsoever during the Super Bowl.
• Speaking of Super Bowl. I remember traveling twice on Super Bowl Sunday. Once was to Indianapolis for a convention. My brother said that he did not care if he missed it because his team was not playing. We made it there in the late afternoon, At dinner time we were ready to go to the Steak and Shake and we were waiting on him to get ready. We waited and waited and waited. He finally said, bring me something back because I am watching the Super Bowl. He sent two women out in Indianapolis in the cold to fend for their selves.... It was right across the street from our hotel. LOL! 
• Speaking of Super Bowl traveling 2..... We were in Nashville for another convention.I had bought tickets to the Grand Ole Opry earlier in the week for Friday night, leaving us to travel on Saturday and be back home on Sunday.. NOT! A blizzard was coming through....literally. Everyone recommended we head home BUT I had bought tickets for the Grand Ole Opry and I was going daggoneit. So we went. It was great. Then we headed home Saturday and at first had no problems until about 4 when literally our wipers froze while wiping. It was time to pull off for the night plus a jackknifed tractor trailer was blocking the road. So we stopped at the only hotel and ate Subway. We started off the next day to another wrecked tractor trailer. We sat for hours. That did not stop my brother from being home to watch the Super Bowl. He sped the rest of the way home and we made it home with 15 minutes to spare. 
• Speaking of traveling... for another convention in Kentucky we drove. He made the mistake of falling asleep after telling us to stay straight on that road. He had not told us to stay straight on 64 so when the road kept straight, my Mom kept straight. He woke up about an hour later wondering where we were and how we got there. Taught him a lesson. We were on a 2 hour detour and it was the first time I had even been through a tunnel in a mountain. I did not know tunnels went through mountains, only in water for my life. 

So many memories tonight flashing back... all because of Super Bowl. I miss him so much. 

Update

My friend of the family, Carl, is holding his own right now. He is still critical. He was placed on the heart transplant list but has been taken off because of a lung infection. Today they are going to move him around some so hoping and praying that will move some of this stuff out of the lungs. Please continue to pray for him.